Oh, Oh, Oh, It's Magic

Dave Paisley

After a rousing success with the old magic 8 ball last week in running through my American League predictions, it’s obvious where we’re headed next. And, no, it has nothing to do with spray cheese. Yes, we’re off to the magical National League, where men are men and, well, you know the rest.

As always, I like to follow the rising sun, so that would mean first up, it’s the East division. And just in case you’ve forgotten, the magic 8 ball is giving me additional insight into my 2002 predictions.

There’s only one question people care about regarding the perennial NL East champs: Is everybody still sick of the Braves (91 wins predicted)? And back came the answer: Yes Definitely. Naturally. Of course, that doesn’t tell us whether the Braves will claim the East crown again. We’ll have to weight all of the division predictions together as a whole before determining that.

Next, we have the Mets (84 wins), where the obvious question is: Is Steve Phillips a genius? Answer: Very Doubtful. Well, that’s what I suspected. I was somewhat impressed by the end of all the wheeling and dealing, but the Mets strike me as a team that stirred the pot a lot and didn’t really go anywhere. Thanks for the validation, magic 8 ball!

Third in the division, I was predicting the up and coming Marlins (84 wins). Now I get to ask my favorite question in two cities, and it is: Should Jeff Loria be hung in effigy in Montreal? Answer: Yeah, right. Well, that could be a sarcastic comment, or merely a concise summary of the situation. Either way, I’ll take it as a positive.

Next, there’s last year’s surprising Phillies (82 wins) Given all the hoo-hah there, is there any question I can ask other than: Can Scott Rolen ever find true happiness in the town that booed Santa Claus (tm)? Answer: Concentrate and ask Again. Well, of course the 8 ball is going to have trouble penetrating that thick-skinned layer that is the tough outer coating of a Philadelphia sports fan’s heart on the first shot. So I asked: No, really? Answer: Without a doubt. Wow, maybe there is hope for the City of Brotherly Whatsit...

Bringing up the rear are the Expos (69 wins), so I got to ask the question again: Should Jeff Loria be hung in effigy in Montreal? Answer: You May Rely On It. Looks like it’s time to start sharpening the pitchforks and lighting the torches.

So the 8 ball isn’t predicting any upsets in the East, at least relative to my own predictions. Over in the Central, though, it looks as though there may be trouble brewing.

First, I had the Cubs with 95 wins romping the Central. This begs the question: Are the Cubs for real this year? Answer: Possibly. Well, that’s pretty non-committal. Like the Braves, we’ll have to check the rest of the responses. For the Cardinals (91 wins) the question everyone wants answered is: Will the Cardinals make the playoffs? Answer: Yes! And you don’t get more emphatic than that.

What about those Astros (91 wins), though? Will the Astros make the playoffs? Answer: It Is Certain. And this is now where we see that the Cubs are somehow destined to throw it all away again this year. I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but the 8 ball does.

The rest of the division is more of an academic exercise, but the question on most soap opera fans' lips is: Will the Reds (74 wins) ever put the emotional hurt behind them? Answer: Outlook Good. So maybe this is the year Ken Griffey Jr. puts all the bitterness and hurt behind him and becomes a regular Joe in the Reds lineup on the way to another disappointing season on a third-rate club. And speaking of third-rate clubs, here’s one that can only aspire to such lofty heights...

As nobody cares what the Brewers (66 wins) will do this year, the only question worth asking is: Is Bud Selig really a Muppet? And the answer is: Better Not Tell You Now. Which I think we all know means, yes of course he is. And in the "shooting fish in a barrel" question category, I asked about those Pirates (65 wins) Will the Pirates break 70 wins? Answer: Outlook Not So Good. Well, duh.

Over in the West, there aren’t any teams near as bad as the Pirates, thankfully. Starting with my pick for the top, the Giants (94 wins), I asked: Will Barry Bonds best last year's performance? Answer: Yes!

Wow — if the 8 ball is right, then look out.

As for the also-rans in the West, the D-backs' (91 wins) burning question is likely: Who will be better in 2002, Johnson or Schilling? Answer: Yes! So of course, they both could be pretty excellent in 2002. An aging offense and a still suspect relief corps could hinder the team overall, though.

After the Snakes come the Rockies (85 wins), and we all want to know if the laws of physics will change this year, hence the question: Will the air get any thicker in Denver this summer? Answer: My Sources Say No. Apparently, the 8 ball’s sources include noted physicists.

Rounding out the division, we have the two southern Cal teams. First question: Will the Padres (84 wins) finish ahead of the Dodgers? Answer: Most Likely, which means that the 8 ball agrees with me that the Dodgers (82 wins) will finish last. Perhaps the vital question for them is: Will the Dodgers ever figure out that offense isn't a dirty word? Answer: Concentrate and Ask Again.

Okay, I’m trying real hard now, and I’ll condense the question down a bit to focus: Offense good? Answer: Reply Hazy, Try Again

All right, one more time, and even more concise: Offense? Answer: Yes!

So maybe the Dodgers will figure out that offense is handy to have around. Shame they already sent a big chunk of it to Atlanta.

about the author

With the annual predictathon almost over, Dave Paisley will soon be able to turn his attention to actual baseball play, particularly in the Phoenix sun. See if you can help him list the ways Matt Williams can get injured at drdjp@strikethree.com