Baseballhead:
West Fest

Michael Cox

G'day, eh? Welcome to a semi-celebratory Baseballhead, where our Canadian side has been partying it up after the Great White North's hockey victory. Our American side is bummed, however, and after a few more beers it might try and pick a fight. However, we can rest secure in the knowledge that we still lead the world in TV ads for unnecessarily large automobiles.

After watching a Winter Olympics closing ceremony apparently scripted by writers of The Simpsons ("Hey! You know when the guy declares the games over, and everyone's sad? We should get Willie Nelson to sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water"!), I have but one question: how the hell does Gloria Estefan keep getting herself invited to these things? When bigwigs think "major international event," do they immediately respond with "Gloria Estefan," or does she just have a really pushy agent?

We won't even note the levels of irony inherent in KISS attempting to play "Rock and Roll All Night" while simultaneously trying to hold on for dear life to their moving stage as Kristi Yamaguchi and Katarina Witt skate around them. Instead, let's look at a few of the week's headlines, then predict ourselves silly.

Griffey hammered in the press by Pokey Reese. Let me get this straight: Reese, who went from promising shortstop to has-been in no time flat, is blaming the Reds' troubles on Ken Griffey Jr.? Griffey may not be a leader of men, but I can guarantee he didn't force Reese to the Mendoza line.

Selig hires Bob Watson as head of discipline. Advice to Bud (like he ever listens to anyone): next time MLB needs someone to punish players, try hiring someone who doesn't have a chip on his shoulder about being beaned during his playing days. You'll find the suspensions stand up more often, and that players won't insist on embarrassing your "disciplinarian" by going over his head to Paul Beeston for their appeals.

Age-gate. Now that the US government is making an effort to make sure people who get visas are in fact who they say they are, we're finding out a few players aren't exactly who they say they are. Bartolo Colon is 28, not 26. Neifi Perez is also one year past his prime at 28, instead of one year before it at 26. Rey Ordoñez is not only lousy, he's now officially old too.

The worst offender is the Pads' Deivi Cruz, who still insists that he's 26 instead of the 29 listed on his birth certificate. He then told the press, "When you go out there and play, it doesn't matter how old you are." Up until contract-renewal time, that is...

Enough. It's time to get down to brass tax and scrutinize the AL West.

For the past two seasons, the left third of the AL has been the best division in baseball. Last year not a single team in the East or Central had a winning record against the West. Mind you, most of that was due to the Seattle Mariners' historic season. when you win 116 games, you have to beat pretty much everyone, and that's just what they did.

In any other MLB division, the Athletics' 102 wins would have given them first place in a walk. Suffice to say, they settled for the wild card. Even the much-heckled Rangers finished just eight games under .500 -- not bad for a fourth-place team, especially one who one day hopes to have pitching as good as the Rockies'.

This year the big news had Jason Giambi leaving the A's with a big hole at first. The M's didn't change much, but whether that's a good move or not depends on whether you view 2001 as a masterful performance or the biggest streak of luck since Keanu Reeves was discovered. The only real loss for Seattle was Anaheim's gain; namely, one Aaron Sele. And Gonzo clicked his heels three times, repeated "there's no place like home," and found himself back in Arlington.

What does it all mean? Hell if I know.

Er, I mean, here's what. Let's start with our third runner-up and reigning Miss Congeniality:

4. Anaheim Angels.

Disney wants out of the sports business, and it shows. After putting their stamp all over the team and its ballpark, the corporation has discovered you can't put minimum-wage wannabe actors in the costumes like you can over at the theme park. They tried everything up to and including trying to make fans forget about the team altogether (coming soon to home video, Rally Monkey Goes To Washington), but nada.

Offensively, the Angels have continued their decline, and now Mo Vaughn has moved on(not that he was of any use to them last year, mind you). The team's plan consists of hoping Tim Salmon gets back to form, wishing Darin Erstad had a form, and offering to carry all heavy objects for Garret Anderson so he won't get hurt.

Pitching-wise, the Cherubim (I just can't believe they could be Seraphim) went out and got a couple of solid semi-names in Sele and Kevin Appier. Unfortunately, Appier seemed to have entered his twilight years a couple seasons ago. Sele has been the luckiest li'l pitcher in the world for a couple seasons running, with the potent Mariner offense scoring around six runs per game Sele started. He's likely going to find the Anaheim offense to be impotent, and that spells trouble (imagine a typical Sele playoff game, over and over for an entire season).

On the positive side, the Angels have a decent shortstop for the first time since God knows when, Troy Glaus is, well, Troy Glaus, and DH Shawn Wooten might come back from his injury-shortened rookie season well enough not to force me to compare him to Bob Hamelin.

As it stands, the Angels are a painfully average team going backwards with ownership that would rather discuss screenplays at Spago than worry about staying competitive in a tough division.

3. Texas Rangers.

As the West has been for more seasons than I can count, its top three teams are as predictable as Dee Snider, former lead singer for Twisted Sister and current MSNBC voice-over announcer. On the other hand, similes aren't as funny when you have to explain them.

The Rangers made more moves than any other team in their division, and with good reason: after spending Bill Gates' monthly wage on Alex Rodriguez, the team pounded the ball like there was no tomorrow, then still finished dead last. Of course, that had something to do with the fact that opponents were pounding the ball just as hard. So, this year the Texas pitching staff gets a makeover.

Unfortunately, it looks like they chose Supercuts as their salon. The best they could do was Chan Ho Park, and apparently they didn't notice his ERA outside of Dodger Stadium. They could have done as well keeping Rick Helling, and cheaper to boot. As for the wisdom of taking on Kenny Rogers, Dave Burba, John Rocker, Hideki Irabu, and Todd Van Poppel, this is the throw-everything-at-the-wall theory at work.

No, the Rangers continue to put their stock in hitting, and you can expect Juan Gone to happily crank out RBI at The Ballpark just like old times. Many media types are certain Ivan Rodriguez will be traded due to his impending free agency, but I don't see it that way, unless the team tanks early, or more deviously, he could go for a decent pitcher, then become a free agent and have Tom Hicks throw gold bullion at him to return.

I'll be watching the Rangers very closely this year, although primarily to see if Rocker and Carl Everett begin resembling Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots by June.

2. Oakland Athletics.

Woe is they, o cursed East Bay team, for Giambi the Elder has fled to the bright lights of New York. A pall is cast over the hills of Oakland; the team doomed to mediocrity.

Not if Billy Beane can help it.

The only GM in baseball I look up to has done his best to patch up the A's offense in the wake of Giambi's flight by obtaining Carlos Pena and David Justice, and don't think for a minute he isn't trying to pry überprospect Jack Cust out of the Rockies' oxygen-deprived fingers. Add to this the likelihood that at 31 Giambi may have left his best years behind in Oakland, and things don't look quite so grim.

This team began hitting their stride last year, and had it not been for that incredible Mariner season, this is the team everyone would have been talking about. In fact, make the Mariners a little worse and the A's come close to winning 110 in 2001. Giambi may be good on his own, but not that good (see: Bonds, Barry).

For starters, you've got starters. And lots of them. The only one of the A's top four I'd be concerned about is Cory Lidle, who showed occasional mental lapses last season but managed to bounce back each time. And incredibly, there's more where these guys came from. At closer, Billy Koch may not be an exact replacement for Jason Isringhausen 2001, but then again, Isringhausen may have just had the best season of his life.

The rest of the team returns pretty much intact this year, Beane has already been working to replace pieces that haven't even fully broken yet ("I've just picked up a fault in the Frank Menechino unit. He's going to go 100% failure within 72 hours") and the loss of the disappointing Johnny Damon (remember when he was "the coveted Johnny Damon"?) is addition by subtraction. Every position on the field is likely to produce as well or better than last year, with the sole exception of first base.

Do you feel better now?

1. Seattle Mariners.

You all know the parallel between the 1906 Cubs and the 2001 Mariners: both won 116 games during the regular season; both ended their seasons the subject of ridicule because despite all those wins, they couldn't bring home the big one.

A little-known fact: the 1907 and 1908 Cubs won the World Series.

Okay, so it's probably not a little-known fact in Chicagoland, seeing as those were also the last times the Cubs won the Series. But everywhere else, it's little-known. Trust me on this.

The Mariners were loath to change their team too drastically after such a successful regular season, and quite frankly, there wasn't much out there if they weren't going to go after Bonds or Giambi. Instead, Pat Gillick looked at some of the weakest links on the team and made slight upgrades. The result is a team which, offensively at least, could be better than last year's.

Jeff Cirillo is a welcome replacement for David Bell, who at times seemed to wonder what trick of cruel fate left him with but a wooden stick to defend himself against the hard leather balls being hurled in his direction. (Naturally, fans chose to praise Bell for his defense.) The same applies to Ben Davis, who wants to prove the Padres gave up on him too soon, and ideally pushes Dan Wilson into an overdue backup role, or even perhaps a retirement role.

That's not to say all the leaks are plugged. Left field, a question mark for Seattle since the dinosaurs roamed the Earth, keeps its Riddler's-leotard motif as Ruben Sierra comes to town, supposedly to platoon with Mark McLemore. Bret Boone's career-year free-agent deal may come back to haunt the M's if he settles back to his regularly scheduled feebleness. On the other hand, Ichiro still has room for improvement over last year's MVP season. How scary is that?

Overall, however, the offense is by and large what it was in 2001. Unfortunately, I can't say that about their pitching staff. Jettisoning Sele, the M's hope to replace his innings from their stable of youngsters. Problem is that said youngsters have been falling victim to injury. Top prospect Ryan Anderson is still coming back from shoulder surgery, and last week Jeff Heaverlo was shut down for the season with a torn labrum. At this rate it wouldn't be surprising to see the entire AAA staff come down with Legionnaire's Disease.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. The Mariners picked up James Baldwin, who is likely to be simply decent at the pitcher-friendly confines of Safeco Field. It would likely be just as effective to pick up Paul Baldwin, because fans in Seattle love to have coffee and talk. No big whoop. Also, Norm Charlton got injured before he could fall off The Cliff (tm) for a possible MLB-record third time.

The bottom line is that where there's smoke, there's obviously some form of internal combustion engine, and unless the M's throw a rod (no pun intended) they ought to win a few pink slips.

about the author

Michael Cox and his buddies are getting real well-known. If you're a bad guy who knows them, you can leave 'em alone at mc@strikethree.com.