Baseballhead:
The Angels Want To Wear My Red Shoes

Michael Cox

Ev'nin', guv'ner, 'ere's yer bloody great Baseballhead, where I may be mistaken, but if you look carefully during Dave Matthews' "Everyday" video, one of the first people who refuses a hug looks suspiciously identical to Bud Selig -- glasses, bad hair, posture verging on scoliosis, face that looks like he's made the conscious decision not to evacuate his bowels for a month. Is it or isn't it?

Before we get to the soft caramel center of this week's baseball hap'nins, this week marks the start of our fifth season here at Strikethree.com. In Internet years, that makes us almost as old as Wilford Brimley. We've outlasted Pets.com, Suck.com (unfortunately), our former network partner Rivals.com (fortunately), and about $100 billion worth of other now-vacant Net real estate.

How do we do it? Well, if we told you, we'd have to make you read the Commissioner's Blue-Ribbon Task Force Report, but suffice to say that Quokka.com died because they got too big for their britches, and no way are we going there. That's not to say that we wouldn't listen to a venture capitalist with several million burning a hole in his pocket, but it'd have to be a pretty darn good proposition to force us to write an actual business plan.

Instead, we're planning on continuing our tradition of entertaining, educating and exasperating our cherished readership (that's you, bucko), occasionally lobbing a few surprises your way. In return we ask only that you continue to be the smart, charming and irresistibly attractive reader we've grown to know and love. We really mean that.

On the other hand, if you're feeling motivated...

But enough already. There's still a heap of baseball to talk about, and for a change very little of it involves Bud Selig. First and foremost, the big news: The Angels and Royals announced that they will be updating their uniforms this season.

Ooo-wee. You can cut the excitement in Anaheim and Kansas City with a cleaver. "My team may have nary a hope in Hades of winning anything anytime soon, but hot damn, they look good." (Imagine the preceding sentence in a Scottish accent for best results.)

In Anaheim, the change is a welcome one after spending the past few years in imagineered softball jerseys (they looked sleeveless...but they weren't!). In one fell swoop, the Angels go back to the traditional haloed "A" design, and the American League once again has a team in red.

One thing that's eaten into my skull over the past decade is the lack of imagination in teams' primary colors, to the extent that there is only one team who consistently uses red as its foundation -- and the Cards do have a black road cap. Even the Reds (hell-ooo!!) switched to white pinstriped "ice-cream man" home caps for a while. Sheesh.

It's worse in the AL, where no team has consistently used red as their base color. The Rangers tried red for the second time in their history when they redesigned their unis for the move to The Ballpark in Arlington. It stuck for only a few years, then they once again joined the ranks of the blue, despite the heat-deflecting properties of the lighter color.

It seems like teams now mess with their colors only to attempt gaudy new combinations (the aforementioned Reds, and the Marlins) or to add some "edgy" black to their unis.

And the latter is exactly what the Royals did. Now, if there's one team in all of MLB who should be wearing blue, it's the Royals. But because ticket revenue is down and a good season is not bloody likely, they've decided the path to enhanced revenues is painted black, including that hot new black alternate jersey style that's sweeping the nation.

"Kids around the country are very much into this kind of new look," said Royals' VP Mark Gorris at the unveiling last week. Gorris was apparently vetoed when he suggested the team wear the new jerseys with ultra-baggy jeans.

A Fehr Exchange: As a token of his appreciation for being allowed to directly address players a few weeks ago, Selig allowed players' union chief Don Fehr to speak to all the owners regarding the MLBPA's current stance on revenue-sharing, luxury-taxing, and, we believe, really lame player theme music.

But what could Fehr tell the owners that the owners don't already know? How could he effectively make use of his time and make the bosses understand the gripping issues facing modern players? Well, wonder no more, because we recently received an anonymous package containing the following transcript (or rather, what's left of the transcript after the Strikethree.com postal mail disinfection process):

FEHR: We're not going to ask you guys for anything more. We're happy now. You'll get this stuff back when you pry it from our desiccated hands. Good day.

I'm not sure there's much more the players can or should say -- they know the owners' finances better than anyone other than the owners themselves, yet they don't appear to have the same sense of urgency about the game making like Webvan unless there's profit-sharing, stat.

Mind you, the players have one interest and one interest only: maximizing their own incomes. I'm just saying that unlike a goodly number of the owners, Fehr is a very smart man. If he truly believed the goose was dying, he'd be willing to accept a little less gold plating on his eggs.

Arbitration-Week Anarchy: With the traditional exchange of figures for arbitration-eligible players comes the resulting my-God-I-don't-really-want-arbitration bargaining by said players and their teams. If tradition holds, no more than a handful of players should remain to go through the torturous proceedings.

The biggest of the preemptive signings was Scott Rolen, who accepted the Phils' offer of $8.6 million to stay and feud with Larry Bowa and Dallas Green for one more season. "We'd still like to have him be a Phillie for his entire career,'' GM Ed Wade told the press afterward, although he neglected to add, "and after that we'll start working on that cure for the common cold we've been promising."

Most teams and players attempt to avoid arbitration because it's an arduous process where ill will is bred. This is mostly due to the fact that it's the only time teams will actually take players to task for their shortcomings. In fact, usually it's only the players with the most shortcomings who stick the procedure out to the bitter end, because teams would rather agree to split the difference than take a chance that a decent player will get the full amount he's asking.

Soon you can expect the Yankees to take Jorge "Don't Call Me Yorgy" Posada out of the loop with a multi-year deal -- Steinbrenner seems to have curbed his disdain for paying his younger players after being buggy-whipped in past years by Derek Jeter. (Come to think of it, that's not the most enticing mental image, is it?).

On that note, we're all out of notes. See you in the movies!

about the author

Michael Cox will never endure arbitration again after the Strikethree.com ownership brought up his misuse of definite articles. E-mail him at the mc@strikethree.com.