Texas Baseball Massacre

Dave Paisley

"Travelers in rural Texas encounter crazed family of bizarros who have a committed though unusual sense of what cuts of meat you need for good barbecue. Sweat-inducing, claustrophobic, unrelenting suspense."

No we're not talking about the latest X-Files episode. Nor are we talking about the VW bus MasterCard travelers arriving in Arlington next summer in a sequel to this year's litigation inducing ad series. The description is from the famed cheeseball suspense movie The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (like you didn't know that already.) Although with Carl Everett and John Rocker now in tow, the Rangers can legitimately be described as a crazed family of bizarros. Also, the sweat inducing, claustrophobic feeling is bound to get to Jerry Narron eventually.

The Rangers are a study in bizarre desperation. For several years now they've desperately needed pitching. Mostly starting pitching, and gobs of it. Last year they chose instead to pursue Alex Rodriguez and spend all their marbles there. What happens? They get an MVP caliber season from him and still have a dismal season by any stretch of the imagination, as the pitching sinks to lows hitherto undreamed of outside of Coors Field.

So what do they do when they're looking for a new GM? Hire the one guy who consistently failed to attract top flight pitching talent to Cleveland when they needed it. Since Jacobs Field opened, the Indians have been one deadline trade for a quality starter away from really going deep in the playoffs, but Hart consistently failed to deliver the goods, despite excellent chances every year.

So what do the Rangers get this off-season? More fiddling while Rome burns.

Need starting pitching? Sign reliever Todd Van Poppel.

Need starting pitching? Sign reliever Jay Powell

Need starting pitching? Trade for reserve infielder Herbert Perry

Need starting pitching? Trade for head case Carl Everett (and give a way a starting pitcher, too. Although we all know Darren Oliver isn't the answer to any questions good teams are asking...)

Need starting pitching? Trade for head case reliever John Rocker

See a trend? Not a single starter in sight. And let's face it, when Doug Davis, promising though he may be, is your "ace" something is rotten in more than the state of Denmark.

Last season one could argue that Hicks had decided he was going to build a team around a superstar that only becomes available once a decade. Now, that master plan lies in shreds, and I can only wonder what Alex Rodriguez is making of all this. (Yawn, throw another $1000 bill on the fire...)

All of this goes to show that you just never know. If there's one thing Bud Selig has taught us it's that owners are as capricious, enigmatic and stupid as any group of thirty extremely rich guys can be. Welcome to the club, Tom Hicks.

Meanwhile, over at Evil Baseball HQ, a.k.a. the Yankees front office, Brian Cashman is out spending money in ways that would make even Tom Hicks blush, but in the process he's building a steamroller of a team for next year. The Yankees have lived for the past few years on an offense that often featured Tino Martinez as the main power threat. Now with Posada, Giambi, Soriano, Jeter, Ventura, Vander Wal, Williams, White and Nick Johnson, the Yankee offense almost overnight has become one of the most formidable sights in a decade. And all of that while giving up only Jay Witasick from the pitching staff. Sure, there are a few health risks there (Ventura, White) but that offense will surely pound out some runs. Given the return of the pitching staff intact (bolstered by the addition of Karsay) this is going to be a good time for a lockout if you're not a Yankee fan.

On the other side of town, the regular pundits are generally applauding Mets GM Steve Phillips for the job he's done, but to be honest I don't see it. He's managed to turn Robin Ventura into Mark Guthrie (which frees up salary but does nothing else) and traded for Robbie Alomar and Shawn Estes while giving up Matt Lawton. Signing Roger Cedeno to a big money deal doesn't seem that bright, either. Now he has a surplus pitcher to unload, presumably for some outfield power. That may be easier said than done. Overall, I don't think he's made the team worse, but it's not really clear whether it's any better.

Of the rest, the Mariners appear to have a couple of irons in the fire (looking at Hideo Nomo, signing a suddenly coy Bret Boone and maybe trading for Brian Giles) but nothing apparently close. If they can pull off two of those three deals they'll be in pretty good shape for next season.

about the author

As it looks like Alex Rodriguez will be needing some of those Anger in the Workplace training sessions, Dave Paisley has indicated a willingness to do the job for a mere $1,000,000 a class. If you'd like to join him, why not let him know at drdjp@strikethree.com.