Baseballhead:
Trade Imbalance

Michael Cox

Ahoy an' avast, ye scurvy dog. There be Baseballhead here, and this week we're a tad concerned about the "C" in the name of cable channel AMC after their recent airing of the Village People epic, Can't Stop The Music.

When we last conversed, we were about to take up torches and pitchforks and march our angry mob asses over to Bud Selig's house, where we would then...well, I hadn't got quite that far yet. Since then, in an amazing masterstroke, baseball took the heat off Uncle Bud by cleverly diverting our interest to the Winter Meetings, where the various team GMs gather and discuss the fine art of GMing.

Also, between seminars like "How To Convince Fans That Brian L. Hunter Can Actually Help Your Team," the aforementioned GMs often discuss the exchanges of players, with the intent that they can improve their own roster while giving up not too much in return. Of course, at the same time one is attempting a lopsided trade, the GM one is trading with is attempting to do the same thing. Therein lies the entertainment.

Another feature of recent years is the descent of free agents on the gathering, naturally accompanied by the free agents' agents. It ends up being just a big mess of people trying to make deals with one another, kinda like the New York Stock Exchange with a slightly higher IQ (yet still at a mental level slightly below that of Trekkies trading Next Generation action figures).

My compatriots here at Strikethree.com have been doing an exemplary job of dissecting the trades and signings as they happen, so as we so often do in this space, we instead choose to eavesdrop as the general managers gather, tank up and let their hair down...

(SCENE: A hotel banquet room in Boston. Yankees GM Brian Cashman, Mariners GM Pat Gillick, Mets GM Steve Phillips, Rangers GM John Hart and Indians GM Mark Shapiro are sitting around a table, drinking Fuzzy Navels.)

CASHMAN: (On phone) Yes, George...Yes, George...Yes George...Sure, George, I'll ask, but I don't think he'll do it. (Hangs up) Gee willikers, guys! Steinbrenner wants me to ask Bonds if he'll agree not to sign with anyone until we're sure we've got Giambi -- isn't that just idiotic?

HART: I've heard a folded $50 buys you ten minutes.

CASHMAN: D'oh.

(Agent Adam Katz walks in)

KATZ: Hey, guys! Whaddya say? Bret Boone? Anyone?

GILLICK: I've made you an offer already, Adam. You know he wants to come back here, and since A-Rod left, the Boone pre-teen-size baby doll t-shirts are our hottest seller. Why don't you just bring him in to sign and get it over with?

KATZ: Not so fast! We have other offers! Good offers! From other teams!

PHILLIPS: I didn't make an offer. How about you guys?

(Mumbles of "er, no" from around the table)

HART: Hey, my boss is certifiable and he specifically wouldn't let me do it.

KATZ: Dammit.

(Katz exits)

PHILLIPS: God, I'm bored. Sure, I get to spend the team's money on hookers and booze for a week, but sometimes you've gotta wonder if it's really worth the trouble.

(Silent pause, then the whole table erupts with laughter)

PHILLIPS: You gotta admit, I really had you going for a minute there...Hey, new guy!

SHAPIRO: Huh?

PHILLIPS: You know what'd be fun? Trade me Alomar.

SHAPIRO: Huh?

PHILLIPS: Sure! Ten bucks says it'll make him cry.

SHAPIRO: You're on.

PHILLIPS: (Chuckling) Oh, man! 'Scuse me guys, but I gotta find Sabean. Shinjo just moved into the loft I wanted. (Exits)

(Cashman's phone rings)

CASHMAN: Hullo? Oh, hello, George...What? No, we can't buy all the free agents. We have a 25-man limit. Sorry, George...Huh? No, Denzel Washington is an actor, George. He was just going to play a baseball player in a movie. That doesn't make him a prospect. Remember a couple of years back when we had that talk about whether Nuke Laloosh was real or not?...G'bye, George. (Hangs up)

(Agent Scott Boras enters)

BORAS: Hel-lo, gentlemen! Isn't it a beautiful New England day? You can just smell that fresh Boston Harbor air!

GILLICK: None of us can afford Bonds, Boras.

BORAS: Come on. You guys all bid on A-Rod last year...

CASHMAN: I didn't bid on A-Rod.

BORAS: Oh, yes you did.

CASHMAN: Oh, no I didn't.

BORAS: Sure you did! It's right here in my ledger, in my own handwriting, just like I showed Tom Hicks!

GILLICK: You're scum, Boras.

BORAS: Hey mister, you sure protest a lot for someone so interested in Johnny Damon. In fact, I think a couple other teams just expressed interest, if you get my drift.

GILLICK: Damn you, Boras.

(Reds GM Jim Bowden enters; Boras looks him up and down, laughs a hearty laugh, and exits)

BOWDEN: Guys, I just wanted to tell you for the fourth consecutive year, it's very unprofessional to give a fellow GM a swirly.

GILLICK: So how's Pokey Reese doing for you these days?

(Everyone but Bowden breaks into raucous laughter)

BOWDEN: I hate you guys.

HART: (Gets up out of chair) Sounds like someone's asking for a Dutch rub.

(Bowden runs out of the room, crying)

GILLICK: Well, gentlemen, I think it's time to get back to work. I haven't laughed at Juan Gonzalez's agent yet today, and this morning I saw Tino Martinez in the lobby with a "Will Work For Food" sign, so I'm thinking I might at least offer him a triple-A coaching job. Now remember -- no one talks to Billy Beane. (Exits)

(Large group of men in suits enter)

MAN: We're looking for Brian Cashman.

CASHMAN: That's me.

MAN: We're from Disney corporate headquarters. Mr. Eisner has authorized us to act as representatives of the Angels for the purpose of discussing a trade with the Yankees, its corporate parent, or perhaps its lawyers.

CASHMAN: Wha'?

MAN: Er, we understand your team is employing one Nuke Laloosh...?

The Mollycoddle Patrol: On a media-related note, ESPN.com columnist Rob Neyer revealed this week that he was contacted by no less than Commissioner-for-Life Bud Selig himself, who apparently gave Neyer a good dressing-down over his frequent anti-Commish comments.

That was odd enough, but prior to Neyer's revelation, I noticed that ESPN.com's other columnists were taking a downright conciliatory tone towards Selig. To wit, Gammons-in-training Jayson Stark weighed in with a column on how the removal of MLB's antitrust exemption would prove disastrous for the sport, while Sean McAdam went a step further, declaring Selig's run as Big Cheese to be a rousing success (citing such debatable "successes" as the Division Series and interleague play, and conveniently forgetting enormous debacles such as The Baseball Network and the fact that Selig himself says MLB is destitute).

Doing the requisite math, one could almost possibly potentially wonder whether Selig didn't reach out and touch a few other folks out in Bristol. If so, kudos to Neyer for being the only one to stand up to the guy. Not to mention my vote if he ever runs for Commissioner after the coup.

about the author

Michael Cox cannot be held responsible for his portrayals of any of the MLB general managers named above. If you're Steve Phillips, let him know when you've called your lawyers off at mc@strikethree.com.