Baseballhead:
Yankamaniacs

Michael Cox

The time has come for Baseballhead, where we've just installed Windows XP for more securitTHIS PAG3 SUX!! YANKZ ROOL!!1! J33T3R 4 PR3Z!11!1! FR33 K3VIN MITNICK!!1

...Uh oh.

Well, after an ungodly long break during which even I was close to forgetting it was still technically baseball season, the Yankees and Diamondbacks have begun the Almost-Winter Classic. Fortunately, the festivities began in Phoenix, where it actually felt like baseball season, even if you couldn't tell it by FOX's view of the inside of the Bank One Barn.

As I write this, both teams are in fact already on their chartered jets, winging their way to Le Pomme Grande with Arizona in a commanding 2-0 lead in the Series after both Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson proved that they're in fact the Koufax and Drysdale (or Drysdale and Koufax) of our time. (Cue inspirational music, possibly played by John Tesh)

Highlights:

- Not since Pete Incaviglia roamed major-league outfields have I seen a botched catch like the one David Justice made in Game One. The only thing missing was the trademark Inky fall-on-the-ass.

- Didn't I tell you, "one of these days Steve Finley will try to make one of his circus catches and get burned"? Didn't I?

Not that it really hurt the D-Backs, mind you, but Finley had no excuse for missing that one.

- Now, Ray Charles -- there's an anthem singer. Just for having him come to the BOB and perform "America The Beautiful," the D-Backs deserve to win the Series. If you've never heard Charles' recorded rendition of the song, there's some "ad-liberatin'" from the lyrics as written:

"...You know, I wish I had somebody to help me sing this...
America, I love you, America
You see, my God he done shed his grace on thee
And you oughta love him for it
Cause heeeeee crowned thy good
He told me he would
and with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea."

For a skilled vocalist (and I stress the word "skilled"), sometimes the best way to improve a classic song is to add a few extra words. If only Otis Redding were alive to do "God Bless America."

- For years I've watched and pondered this, but kept it to myself because it just couldn't be true, but now I believe the following words to be gospel: Yankee batters complain about more ball/strike calls than any other team in baseball. Rarely does a called strike go by without at least a shaking of the head and under-the-breath muttering. It happens so often, I have to wonder whether it's taught to players by Joe Torre.

- Sure, Torre may have told the press he was loading his lineup with righthanders in order to most effectively face Johnson, but you can't fool us. Making out any lineup card bearing the name "Randy Velarde" is tantamount to conceding the game. Sure, Velarde has in the past hit well off Johnson, but in only 42 at-bats.

- Johnson said he talked to Mariners softballer Jamie Moyer for tips on handling the Yankee hitters. Moyer said, and I quote, "Throw changeups." What was not mentioned was that this is Moyer's strategy for facing every team.

- So exactly how many World Series rings does Luis Sojo have? And why?

Of course, the problem the D-Backs now face is that someone who is neither Schilling nor Johnson must now pitch Game Three, and possibly Game Four.

By now, the entire western hemisphere (and several Uzbeks, I understand) have second-guessed Bob Brenly's decision to not start Schilling on three days' rest in the fourth game. There is some good logic to the idea, though -- against the Yankees it might be safer to have a rested Schilling than a tired one. Unfortunately, Brenly opted to make sure Schilling was going to be tired by not pulling him out of a runaway Game One in the early innings.

There could still be a surprise coming in the form of a sudden switch prior to Wednesday's game, but then again, this is the manager who believes it's cheating to bunt for a hit in a close game if the pitcher is throwing a no-no. And that could end up haunting Brenly should the Yanks make another of their Hulk Hogan-like comebacks.

You remember the ones -- on the receiving end of a beating by a much bigger, much stronger opponent, at a pivotal juncture Hogan would bulge his eyes, puff his cheeks, and begin to shake. The opponent would keep smacking Hogan, but to no avail, as if suddenly the WWF champ had figured out a way to absorb punches from a 400-pound behemoth without pain.

This enables the Hogan comeback, climaxing when he nails the bad guy with his big finishing move: a leg drop. Anyone else in the world couldn't hurt his mother with a leg drop, but Hogan completely disables men three times his own size with it.

We've seen the modern-day equivalent of Hulk Hogan, and it's the Yankees. Year after year, they make improbable comebacks, now even in front of a pay-per-view audience (thanks, MLB Radio!). This season they've even Hulked up on the MLB equivalent of King Kong Bundy (the A's) and Andre the Giant (the Mariners). Cheeks puffed, bodies shook, Jason Giambi's bat was rendered useless.

They even tried the equivalent of the leg drop on Sunday, trotting out Luis Sojo to pinch-hit. Alas, MLB might still be more real than pro wrestling.

Still, something tells me the Yankees haven't even begun to bulge their eyes yet.

about the author

Michael Cox much prefers Stone Cold Steve Austin to Hulk Hogan...er, or he would, if he followed pro wrestling enough to know who Stone Cold Steve Austin is. Don't even bother asking about The Rock at mc@strikethree.com.