Baseballhead:
The Rest is History

Michael Cox

Resplendent before you is Baseballhead, where we give a big ol' salute to Neil Young and Paul Simon, who did more than just do their country proud at the big telethon last week, they also gave the metaphorical finger to Clear Channel Communications, the radio network that strongly suggested that their stations do not play "Imagine" or "Bridge Over Troubled Water," lest America be offended. (Also not-banned-but-discouraged: The Bangles' "Walk Like an Egyptian," undoubtedly due to its graphic portrayal of cops in donut shops.)

But while we could spend all day wondering how a two-hour special can be called a "telethon," it's time to talk instead about baseball, pennant races, and history.

Let's start with the history. After losing four straight games for the first time since last year (thanks to our crack research staff for providing us with that statistic), the Mariners are insisting that their focus is not on the now-barely-reachable major-league wins record, but on resting players and preparing for the World Series. To this end, they've started Ed Sprague twice and Pat Borders once during this quadrangle of futility, conditions under which no team should be allowed to win. Pitchers who have no hope of even making the postseason roster are performing relief duties.

It is after witnessing this that I offer some humble advice to M's skipper Lou Piniella: Don't be a putz. Go for the history.

The World Series is a crapshoot. Since the addition of the League Championship Series, a berth in the Fall Classic is not the result of the best record in your league, it's the result of successfully holding off another team for four out of seven games. With the Division Series, a team has to get the bounces running their way just three out of five times to move on to the second round.

On the other hand, the wins record means you've been consistently successful for six entire months, against most or all of the other teams in your league (and a few in the other one). This is truly the measure of a great team. Someone wins the World Series every year, even if every team in baseball is mediocre. Last year, when the fifth-best and ninth-best teams in MLB wound up in the finals, they didn't declare the World Championship held over until better teams could be found; they awarded a trophy anyway.

Only a historic monolith of a team earns a wins record. That is an achievement worthy of a ticker-tape parade.

Of course, I also feel that any team that loses 100 games should be pilloried in the town square, including all front office personnel, so that townsfolk may throw hard rolls and overripe vegetables.

Some Recover Faster Than Others: Baseball definitely pulled out the stops this past week, with teams taking every opportunity to remember, to honor, and most of all, to be patriotic. Unfortunately, my goal of seeing "The Star-Spangled Banner" replaced with "God Bless America" was not realized, due to teams opting for both numbers...plus "America the Beautiful," the traditional Scottish(!) number "Amazing Grace," "It's a Grand Old Flag," and even Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The USA," which I'd rather see discarded forever (along with the bulk of Greenwood's work) in favor of the old Hulk Hogan theme song, "Real American."

Fans have seemed to come back to baseball with varying degrees of fervor, from the packed Safeco Field to the several folks who happened by Le Stade Olympique for the Expos-Marlins series. A sure sign that fans in Philly are moving forward with their lives was noted by Larry Bowa after last Monday's rousing Veterans Stadium reception for Atlanta's Chipper Jones: "You realized the healing had started when they booed Chipper."

Twelve Angry Men (In One Skin): It looks like Carl Everett may have really done it this time. After verbally abusing manager Joe Kerrigan, Everett was fined and suspended by GM Dan Duquette. Of course, Everett blames the entire incident on everybody but himself, reportedly rebutting Kerrigan's assertion that tardiness is not acceptable by making the counterclaim that Kerrigan is a big fat racist.

In a stunning display of actual sense, Duquette actually stood behind his manager, indicating that even Everett's offensive ability has finally been eclipsed by his, well, offensive ability. The Sox are rumored to be looking for a way to keep Everett out of uniform for the remainder of the season, and if his injured knee isn't the ticket, a more creative option might be used, such as just telling him not to suit up.

The real problem is what to do with Everett's contract, which has two seasons remaining. Already a host of bad columnists have suggested that there are teams anxiously awaiting the chance to prove that Everett's problem was just an overabundance of clam chowder. Do not believe them. Clubs will avoid Everett like the plague, due to his unparalleled ability to alienate fans, management and teammates alike.

In fact, a 1998 psychiatrist's report made when Everett was being investigated on suspicion of child abuse (remember that?) made note of his "invariable attribution of adversity to externalized, malevolent causes." (Everett agreed to a lesser charge of child neglect, and the court gave custody of his five-year-old daughter to her biological mother.) Reportedly, one of the Red Sox' demands, if Everett is to stay with the team, is that he undergo psychiatric counseling. Any team that wishes to trade for him, if they have any intelligence at all, would demand the same.

The sad part is that Everett could be a truly great player. Instead, he's an episode of Beyond the Glory waiting to happen, assured only the type of infamy narrated by a guy with a whiny high-pitched voice.

Cal's (Next to) Last Stand: Pity the fools who paid $500 for tickets to Sunday's Orioles-Yankees tilt assuming it would be Cal Ripken's final game at Camden Yards. On second thought, don't pity them...

Like Speedwalking, Only Slower: Okay, so I dissed the Mets a couple of weeks ago because although they were suddenly playing their best baseball of the season, all they had to show for it was a casual acquaintance with .500. Well, I'm here to say they're actually in a bona fide pennant race. Of course, that says less about the Mets' streak than it does about the Braves' need to be put out of their misery.

In fact, the stunning thing about the NL's abundance of pennant races is the incredible, er, parity in the Senior Circuit. It's possible that the Astros could be the only team to win more than 90 games this year, although the D-Backs and Cards each have a decent chance. On the other hand, only one NL team could lose 100 games -- the crashin' and burnin' Bucs -- while no less than four AL teams have a chance at the milestone (now there's an American League race still worth following).

Most amazing divide: the 16-1/2 game gap in the Central between the third-place Cubs and the fourth-place Brewers. Literally, half the Central is the best division in the NL, and half of it is the worst.

Michael Cox is now officially really, really tired. Send Red Bull to mc@strikethree.com, and make it snappy.