Baseballhead:
The Dr. is In

Michael Cox

After punching the clock on Fridays for what seems like years, Baseballhead has finally moved to this cushy new Monday slot. To celebrate, we're pulling letters out of the nooks and crannies of our circa-1983 IKEA office furniture (and finding a surprising amount, considering the clean lines of the Scandinavian design), and once again unchaining our resident expert on...well...stuff, Dr. Wacky.

Our first missive comes courtesy of Mel from New York:

Dear Dr. Wacky,

Don't you guys ever get tired of talking about the Mariners? C'mon, with the amount of ink you've wasted on them this year, you'd think they were the reigning World Champions. I mean, sure, they've been winning a few games, but it's not like they've really even won anything important yet.

Mel,

There's a two-pronged answer to your query, and the first prong is the fact that several of Strikethree.com's writers are from Seattle. You have to understand that these writers don't actually believe that the Mariners are accomplishing the feats you read in the news, and that any moment they'll awake to find that due to a lineup weighed down by David Bell, Carlos Guillen, Dan Wilson and Al Martin, the team has actually lost 100 games. They can't really be held responsible for anything they write until someone manages to convince them that no one has slipped anything into their Afri-Cola.

Secondly, imagine for a moment that the Yankees are in fact the highly talented ensemble cast of the hit NBC sitcom, Just Shoot Me. Everything has been percolating along for several years now, they've won awards and entertained millions. But the writers stopped writing new scripts about three seasons ago, and by this time viewers would even welcome the return of the XFL rather than sit through another episode.

Sure, there is still a small legion of fans who regularly sift through David Spade's trash in an attempt to find the deeper meaning in his character's lines, but eventually they'll all get either tired or arrested.

Next.

Dear Dr. Wacky,

When the missus and I go out to the ballpark, we notice that all the out-of-town scores have numbers to the left of each team's name. What do these numbers signify?

Ben in Denver

Hey Ben,

Those numbers you're seeing are the remnants of Commissioner Bud Selig's failed attempt at monopolizing baseball gambling. You see, several years ago Selig found out just how much money changed hands in a typical sports book, and realized that maybe betting on baseball wasn't quite so bad after all. Quickly preparing an offshore website (www.welovesdatmoney.com), MLB hoped to use the cash windfall to buy off the players' union.

Unfortunately, the plan failed when Selig insisted on using a proprietary, highly secret method of setting odds. While no Vegas bookies could figure it out and use it themselves, neither could anyone who wanted to wager. After they quietly folded the website, MLB realized that suddenly removing the odds from all the out-of-town scoreboards might draw a little too much attention, especially from the IRS.

The whole debacle is the reason Selig gets so edgy these days when you ask him about Pete Rose.

Dear Dr. Wacky,

So, what's the deal with the Indians? Don't they know that there's an unwritten rule that says both teams have to stop trying when one is leading by four or more runs? Doesn't Lou Piniella now have the right to order his pitchers to hit the entire Cleveland lineup now?

By the way, I really love your new pants.

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

To answer your question, I spoke to Milwaukee manager Davey Lopes, who assured me that only the team that's ahead has to stop trying. Lopes also confided that the rule really only applies when the team that's behind is a really, really feeble team owned by the commissioner of baseball. I didn't take careful notes (Dr. Wacky firmly believes that notes are for wusses), but I believe just before he hung up on me Lopes said, "Don't you think we get embarrassed enough as it is? Well? Don't you??"

As I put down the phone, I felt glad that Lopes failed the background check for the Wal-Mart handgun.

Oh, and thanks for the slacks-related complement. Tan really is my color, is it not?

Dear Dr. Wacky,

Who is that guy with the giant fuzzy mustache at ESPN.com who got almost all the "insider" trade rumors wrong? And why isn't he working for Strikethree.com?

Tracy in Denver

Hi Tracy,

Judging from the facial hair reference, you must be referring to Jayson Stark. As you know, Peter Gammons is getting a bit past middle age, and recently he decided to hand down his insider contact book to Stark, who apparently also doesn't hear the scouts and GMs snicker to themselves just before they hang up the phone. Also, many teams agree to trades, then at the last minute they see them in print and realize they look pretty darn stupid.

Here at Strikethree.com we avoid such problems by going straight to the teams' batboys and laundry people, and consequently we're your best inside source for such tidbits as the way Matt Lawton balls his batting gloves together like a pair of socks, or the kind of stains that result from Tom Glavine's Orangina habit. You can just look at Glavine's jersey at the end of a game and have complete confidence that we're getting good information.

Dear Dr. Wacky,

What chance do you think the Phillies have of actually hanging in for two more months and challenging the Braves for the NL East?

Perplexed in Philly

Perplexed,

The Phillies are quite the conundrum. On paper, half of them should be drawing unemployment by now, and the other half should be playing for the Yankees. But I'm not sure I can handle that conundrum while I'm still sorting through these:

-- I got somebody's random file e-mailed to me via the SirCam worm, and it was neither secret government plans nor porn.

-- The melody of the verses in Weezer's "Hash Pipe" is exactly the same as the guitar riff from "Fantasy" by '80s guitar "hero" Aldo Nova.

-- Brent Musburger is actually broadcasting baseball again. If you'll excuse me, I have to go perforate both my eardrums with this here pencil.

about the author

Michael Cox is not the alter ego of Dr. Wacky, even if he looks exactly like Dr. Wacky but with glasses on. Suggest that at least Superman did the extra little thing with the hair at mc@strikethree.com.