Baseballhead:
Bold Words Again

Michael Cox

It's time again for the biggest underground derailment of hazardous materials on the Web, Baseballhead, where we believe only wusses cancel games because a little hydrochloric acid gas is in the air.

This week, Baseballhead presents another installment in the "Bold Words" series. We (and by "we," I clearly mean "I") call it "Bold Words" for two reasons:

• The statements herein may shock and unnerve (in the grand tradition of Jim Rome, who during one show blasted WNBA star Lisa Harrison for saying she'd consider posing nude, calling Playboy a "skin rag" and its readers "perverts," then minutes later told Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel that he loves "The Man Show," which regularly features skits with porn stars and ends each week with women jumping on trampolines);
• The statements appear in, well, bold words.

Let's begin, kids:

The Yankees are in trouble. If they can't pull away from a Red Sox team that's missing Pedro Martinez, Nomar Garciaparra and Carl Everett, they're in for a rude awakening when all three are back. For the past five years we've heard endless gushing about how "this team knows how to win when it counts." Well, it counts right now, and they're only in sole possession of first place because Derek Lowe blew a save Thursday night.

If this is all the Yanks have in them, you might as well be a Mets fan.

Jason Giambi ain't goin' nowhere. This particular group of bold words has changed significantly since about a week and a half ago, at which point it was supposed to say A's fire sale comin' right up. Winning 12 out of your last 15 and pulling within five games of the wild card can do that kind of thing. There's actually a third group of bold words, this is the season the A's have to prove they're worthy of "smart" fans' adulation, but I thought that might be a tad over the top.

The Twins aren't "for real." However, they are lucky, because...

Neither are the Indians. Both these teams are mere decent clubs with the distinct advantage of getting to beat up regularly on the crappy Royals, hapless Tigers and substandard (until recently) White Sox. Of the two, only the Tribe has a record against any other division that approaches its record against other AL Central teams, and over half those nine wins against the AL East came against the O's. Minnesota is barely over .500 outside of its division. Welcome to the world of the unbalanced schedule.

If an AL Central team wins the Wild Card, heads should roll. Just continuing the thought to its logical conclusion. If people got upset that it took a precisely timed retirement announcement to stop fans voting for David Bell over Cal Ripken, you'd think they'll be foaming at the mouth if one of these undeserving teams gets into the playoffs while the lesser of the Yanks, BoSox and A's get extra time to assemble their Halloween costumes. Bet it won't happen.

Even the mediocre-team-boosting properties of the unbalanced schedule won't help the Brewers. But have no fear, because at this very moment Bud Selig is working on a way to fix the schedule so that even extremely bad teams can make the postseason.

You want excitement, watch the NL races. Thanks to the fallibility of the Braves in the first half, the continued balance in the NL West, and some teams defying the laws of nature, there should be a gripping final 60 days in the Senior Circuit. However...

I'm ignoring the Dodgers. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. La, la, la, la.

Except for Paul LoDuca. You rule, sir, if for no other reason than putting Chad Kreuter's fan-beating ass on the bench permanently.

FX Saturday Baseball rules. You may call it cheesy, but I love the hokey "interactive" picture-in-picture, the updates on the announcers' fantasy team performance, and the "brain scan" of various players. How can someone create a product this fun, then turn around and make such a mess with their flagship Game of the Week?

Jon Miller rules. Say what you will about ESPN broadcast partner Joe Morgan (personally, I find that his voice is so low I can easily mentally tune it out), but I like to drift off to sleep while imagining Peter Angelos kicking himself for firing Miller over an idiotic difference of opinion. In reality, Angelos is likely drifting off to his own beddy-bye on a mattress stuffed with thousand-dollar bills he earned in the states' tobacco settlement.

Bud Selig most assuredly does not rule. Woe betide the game of baseball if Selig presides over another round of labor negotiations. Every time labor negotiations have occurred in the past quarter-century, Selig has talked tough, but by the time each new Basic Agreement was signed, the players had spanky new perks like the ability to declare free agency if they hit a home run in a month ending in "r." (Selig later called that one a "win," explaining, "There's only one month ending in "r" during the regular season.") When you look at Alex Rodriguez' contract, remember that Selig's bumbling made it possible.

Barry Bonds will be lucky to hit 60. Between his recurring back spasms and the endless capacity for opposing managers to walk him, it won't be because he isn't capable of breaking the record, or some sports-talk host's idea that the media crush will somehow freak him out (remember that even the writer-friendly McGwire told the press to take a temporary powder in September of '98). He just won't have the opportunity.

The National Anthem should be banished to special events only. As some of you may know, this is an oldie-but-goodie, and it still would not have saved us from Mya last week. However, those who attended the Home Run Derby in person got to view firsthand one of the endless parade of Mariah Carey-wannabe "local talents" (April Villanueva, for those who would like to avoid her in the future) who use the Anthem to stretch their moment in the sun as long as humanly possible. If not fewer anthems, then use "God Bless America" for regular-season games and make the singers keep up with a brisk and clippy recorded accompaniment.

And finally...

Randy Johnson is Hall-of-Fame Bound. This certainly may not be big news to you now, but I was declaring it four years ago, when he was too old and had a questionable back. Now, if I can only get Edgar Martinez in...