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MLB Mad-Libs

Michael Cox

Now -- a hard-hitting edition of Baseballhead, where we caution the recently-shorn Justin Timberlake to look closely at the post-hair career of the Lemonheads' Evan Dando. Who's Evan Dando, you ask? Exactly.

With April and May fully over, we now swing into the meat of the major-league season, and with it the trade winds swirl like chocolate bits in a McFlurry. From David Wells to Gary Sheffield to the entire Devil Rays roster, rumors are flying.

While this might be as expected, the season so far has been well nigh unexpected for you in (Seattle, Chicago, Minnesota, Philadelphia). Your team is shattering (records, predictions, all logic, the cosmic balance) and you know exactly why.

No, not the usual incredible play by (Edgar Martinez, Sammy Sosa, Brad Radke, Scott Rolen). Not even the unbelievably,...er, well, downright fluky achievements of (Bret Boone, Matt Stairs, Doug Mientkiewicz, the entire bullpen).

'Twas the chemistry that did it, and bringing in an outsider would be like replacing John Stamos in Full House.

You have the local sports-talk radio station on speed dial, so every time the host even suggests plugging the gaping hole at (third base, third base, second base, second base). You know better than anyone that (David Bell, Denny Hocking, Eric Young, Marlon Anderson) is the heart of your scrappy team. His game-winning RBI in that one game is widely credited (on the Internet, on the Internet, by Peter Gammons, on the Internet) with keeping the club on its roll!

And all this talk about adding more (power, power, power, power)? Don't they know (Ivan Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield, Jose Canseco, David Wells) is a clubhouse cancer! Getting rid of (Alex Rodriguez, good sense in free agent selection, Chuck Knoblauch, Curt Schilling) was the key to where the (Mariners, Cubs, Twins, Phillies) are today. Team harmony is they keystone of the great teams. Ever notice that all the losing teams scowl all the time? That's no coincidence, mister man!

Not to mention that trades don't come cheap. The team would have to give up too much (pitching, pitching, pitching, pitching) and they don't have a square to spare. You know that eventually (Norm Charlton, Todd Van Poppel, LaTroy Hawkins, the entire bullpen) will return to their previous form, and there'd better be someone left to stick their finger in that there dike!

This season is pure magic, and there's no doubt in your mind that they're charmed enough to win the World Series. After all, they've already beaten up on the (Yankees, Mets, Yankees, Mets)! You don't mess with that kind of juju. You just go to the park, buy an oversized foam novelty and thank God for (Ichiro, Jeff Fassero, dollar hot-dog night, health inspectors at the Vet concession stands).

To sum up, your message to the home team is: don't even try it, or you'll have another (WTO, Democratic Convention, "Off!" shortage of 1973, GOP Convention) on your hands. Consider the message passed on.

Item: Barry Bonds is now on pace to obliterate the single-season home run record. Will he? Maybe, but his team will have to improve around him first, or by August he'll be in better position to break the single-season walks record.

Item: There was very little surprising about the 2001 First-Year Player Draft (formerly the Amateur Draft after Scott Boras tried to get around it by making his players "pros"). The two best players in the draft followed the Boras-established "pay before play" demand, and the Twins ended up using their number-one pick to get the "best, most-signable" player, C Joe Mauer. The best player in the draft, RHP Mark Prior, instead went to the first major-media-market team to pick (the Cubs, natch).

Then the Devil Rays and Phillies avoided consensus #2 Georgia Tech bomber Mark Teixeira, primarily because agent Boras warned the teams not to even try signing his boy. Thus, Teixeira went to...the Rangers.

Hmmm. Boras is on very good terms with the Rangers of late, isn't he?

Perhaps even good enough to have included in the Alex Rodriguez deal a side agreement which would deliver Teixeira in the draft?

Just thinking out loud...

In an unremarkable draft, the most remarkable moment (so far -- as I write this, they're still drafting) was the Mariners' choice of SS Michael Garciaparra as their number one selection. Remarkable not because he's Nomar's brother so much as because he's not really that good, and because he didn't even play this past season due to a football injury.

One can see selecting a relative to keep a star player happy (a la said Mariners' signing of Ken Griffey Jr.'s brother Craig several years back), but I don't think Nomar will take it easier on the M's just because his kid brother is in their farm system.

The only other thought I have is that perhaps it's a little bridge -- just a little one -- that Seattle is building towards the eventuality that Nomar will be a free agent in around 2004. Crazier things have happened, but not at the expense of a first-round pick.

Of course, the usual media suspects are talking about how they'd "fix" the draft. Of course, being a wise acre, I also have an idea, and it'll help even out MLB's financial imbalance as well: auction the top 30 players to the highest bidder.

That's right -- grant Boras his wet dream and sell the top picks to whoever will pay. Let the Yanks or Rangers sign the "can't-miss" college pitchers for $30M and 40-year-old Cuban shortstops for $15M, because they're going to do that anyway, and bidding against each other will drain some of their team's liquidity come the offseason.

Those bonuses will clog the top teams' finances with players who may or may not play well in the majors -- as opposed to free agents with track records. Call it a modified version of Charlie O. Finley's "make everyone a free agent" idea.

Crazy? But of course.

about the author

Michael Cox was a big fan of Finley's "Pennant Porch." Help petition your team to get one at mc@strikethree.com.