Baseballhead:
A Quick One

Michael Cox

Thanks for sticking with us, and excuse our dust (it is the debris of freedom!) as we move servers this week. We may go temporarily "dark" and e-mail may bounce for a day or two, but eventually the Web will sort out our new location and you'll have faster-loading pages, easier navigation, and more of the zany hijinks you've come to expect.

But for now, accept this truncated version of Baseballhead, where we're already tired of hearing, "You are the weakest link, goodbye!" and the damn show hasn't even debuted yet!

Item: The clock is ticking as we await the first major sports news organization to ask, "Are the Twins For Real?" (Answer: as real as the upcoming Monica-Chandler wedding.) Didn't we go through this with the Royals last year? Smart money says look out for the Tigers in April 2002...

Item: New Phillie Jose Mesa looks like the Tribe's closer of old as the season begins. Reason? He understands that if he plays like has for the past several years, Philadelphians may begin assaulting him on the street.

Item: After all the hype, hullabaloo and hoo-ha over the new, improved strike zone, it's just as badly called as the old strike zone, except it's a couple inches higher. Oh, and good luck using those extra inches -- put the ball over the plate and it's on its way to India; miss inside and expect a call from Frank Robinson.

Item: After severely overvaluing his services for the past couple of years, then apparently becoming a casualty of Disney's spring layoffs, Jose Canseco is finding himself unemployed during the baseball season for the first time. I wonder how that feels...

(Scene: Jose Canseco's house in Miami. Canseco is eating Cookie Crisp cereal and watching "The Powerpuff Girls." The phone rings.)

CANSECO: (Picks up phone.) Hello?

VOICE: May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Canseco?

CANSECO: Tony?

VOICE: My name's Jim, and I'm calling to ask if you'd be interested in changing your long distance service.

CANSECO: C'mon, man, I know it's you, Tony. The answer is yes. I can be packed for St. Louis in thr...

VOICE: To change your service, I'll just need to verify your name and address.

CANSECO: D'oh. (Hangs up.)

(Phone rings.)

CANSECO: (Picks up phone.) Hello?

VOICE: Hello, is this Mr. Canseco?

CANSECO: Uh, yes.

VOICE: I'm calling today for the New York Times...

CANSECO: It's the Yankees, isn't it? I told George he wouldn't be sorry when I left that message on his voice mail last week. I just hope I can contribute like I did last...

VOICE: We're currently offering one-half off the regular subscription price for all new subscribers. To start your subscription, I'll just need to verify your name and address.

CANSECO: D'oh. (Hangs up.)

(Phone rings.)

CANSECO: (Picks up phone.) Hello?

VOICE: Hello, is this Mr. Canseco?

CANSECO: (Angrily) I don't want to buy whatever crap you're selling, okay?

VOICE: Actually, this is the Anaheim Angels calling.

CANSECO: Oh, sorry. I'm really sorry. I'll catch the next flight out. I apologize for saying all those things about you guys.

VOICE: Actually, I'm calling because our records show we overpaid you for your expenses during spring training. We'll need you to write us a check in the amount of $364.93. You have our address.

CANSECO: D'oh. (Hangs up.)

(Phone rings.)

CANSECO: (Picks up phone.) Hello?

VOICE: Mr. Canseco, you have been pre-approved for the new Ultra Cadmium Triple Mega MasterCard, with zero-percent interest on all transferred balances for one whole week...

CANSECO: Damn you! I need this phone line clear, understand? I'm waiting for a call so I can get back to work!

VOICE: Oh...I'm so sorry.

CANSECO: That's okay. I didn't mean to snap.

VOICE: I meant that I'm sorry because now that we know you're unemployed, we're withdrawing the offer. Have a great day, okay? (Hangs up.)

CANSECO: D'oh.

 

about the author

Michael Cox neither eats Cookie Crisp nor watches "The Powerpuff Girls." However, he does welcome frank discussion of the ramifications of Buttercup's attitude at mc@strikethree.com.