Baseballhead:
Mild, Mild West

Michael Cox

Here we are, you with your coffee and bagel, and us with just this ol' Baseballhead. Well, it's better than Win Gertrude Stein's Money, that's all I can say.

Well, as long as we're doing something and standing, we might as well get to Part V of our VI-part series of 2001 MLB prognosticata, wherein we tackle the NL West.

When we last saw this division, the Giants were taking a champagne bath, the Dodgers were pointing the finger at everyone but the guy who should, er, get the finger, and the Pads sucked. The Rockies responded to the problems of playing at a longball-hitter's haven by putting together a team based on speed and defense, with results as predictable as the plot of Exit Wounds. The Diamondbacks' offense finally did that Wile E. Coyote thing where they look down, notice there's no rational reason they should be up so high, then subsequently plummet.

Adding to the mix this year is Barry Bonds' latest contract renewal "distraction," New boots and pitchers in Denver, and the hiring freeze in Phoenix, the latter of which apparently didn't apply to any first basemen named Grace. Will the balance of power change? Will Fox strategically plant female "singles" from Temptation Island in the crowd in an attempt to make the Dodgers wade into the stands again this year? Let's find out, bottoms up...

5. San Diego Padres.

After reviewing both Central divisions, it's refreshing to get back to a division where there's a clear loser. No guesswork here. The simple existence of Ed Sprague on the roster is almost enough to do it. Add the team's dogged insistence on bringing back Tony Gwynn (the man has no cartilage left in his knees!) and you're just asking for trouble.

However, there is evidence that some actual rebuilding is going on. Letting go of Bret Boone so that they could instead play the younger Damian Jackson, the team saves salary and gets to stop hearing about how good Boone theoretically is. The rotation is also getting younger, and the addition of Bobby Jones should help. Phil Nevin will be fun to watch, bearing in mind that the Pads could trade him at any moment.

Just try to tune out the sound of Gwynn's knee joints scraping as he walks.

4. Los Angeles Dodgers.

Each of the past few years I've posed the question, "will this be the season that Fox wises up and realizes the problem is with the only front-office employee they haven't fired yet?" And each year Kevin Malone keeps his job while his bosses and his bosses' bosses are shuffled like blackjack decks in Reno. Looking back, it wasn't that the owners didn't know, it was that they remembered how damn hard it was to find a GM in the first place, then figured even Malone beats a team run by an Adam Sandler character.

However, they're wrong. Malone doesn't just make moves that look bad in retrospect, he makes moves that look bad at the time they are being made. The Shawn Green-for-Raul Mondesi deal was a wash at best, and after the dust cleared, the Dodgers were paying a pile more for exactly the same production they had from Mondesi. Malone gave a $11M-per-year deal to Darren Dreifort, who has a losing career record (Gary Sheffield was watching, and eventually hired Dreifort's agent, Scott Boras, to handle his own contract demands).

Chad Kreuter was re-signed, apparently to avoid a players' union grievance at the thought that he might not get another job, just because he attacked innocent fans last season. Problem is, he's not a backup this year -- he's the first-string catcher. And Malone had the huevos to fire Davey Johnson for this mess? Mr. Sandler, be expecting a phone call.

3. Colorado Rockies.

This year is the grand experiment for the Rocks -- can one of the league's premier pitchers find happiness and a reasonably low ERA in the Unfriendly Confines of Coors Field? Well, if it's gonna happen, it'll happen this year. And heck, there's even a decent supporting staff behind Mike Hampton! Mind you, I wouldn't have laid out perfectly good jack for a declining Denny Neagle, but the likes of Ron Villone could be a decent pickup.

As for offense -- what offense? The biggest addition to the Rockies' lineup was actually subtraction: a sure way to help your ballclub is to get Brian Hunter to sign with one of your opponents. Ditto Tom Goodwin. Then the front office was wise enough to laugh at Jeffrey Hammonds' free-agent contract demands, getting a bonus guffaw when Bud Selig's team proudly hocked up the elephant bucks.

Even the thought of putting up with Ron Gant for a season might be reasonable when tempered with the fact that Coors could make him the next Dante Bichette. My bold prediction: the Rockies could improve enough this year to make sportswriters say, "the Rockies have improved this year."

2. Arizona Diamondbacks.

Jerry Colangelo is one of those sports owners who make you wonder how the hell they managed to get rich in the first place. Imagine you're Randy Johnson or Matt Williams. Colangelo has just come to your home and given a heartfelt speech on how if you don't defer a portion of your salary, the team will have to be dismantled and sold on eBay. As your signatures on the legal documents are drying, Colangelo takes that deferred money, leaves for a few minutes, then comes back with Mark Grace.

I'd be pissed.

That move is not only going to not help the D-Backs this season, it's also going to aid and abet their largely age-induced decline over the next few seasons. The Arizona offense fell like third-world governments last year, and the only surprise was that it had taken so long. And it could get worse -- Steve Finley's been expected to make like Mir for a while now. But maybe, just maybe, if Curt Schilling returns to form and nobody in the rotation gets hurt, the good times could roll until about mid-September, when it gets cooler and all the arthritis starts acting up.

1. San Francisco Giants.

Here we answer the musical question, "Does anybody want to win this division?" with a resounding, "Sorta." The 2000 champs didn't do too much to hurt their team this offseason, save losing Ellis Burks. However, they didn't really worry about improving much, either, save the Bill Mueller-for-Tim Worrell trade, and even that leaves Russ Davis at third base.

You would have a right to be puzzled by the signings of Shawon Dunston and Eric Davis - did Dunston use a hypno-ray to erase all memory of the last time he was in town? Still, any team with Barry Bonds and Jeff Kent in the lineup can't go too far wrong, and provided the rotation stays healthy the Big Guys oughta be back on top this year.

97 wins? Not bloody likely, but it should be enough to get to see Father Guido Sarducci's baseball-fetching swimming dogs this October.

about the author

Michael Cox plans to make it to Pac Bell Park for the first time this season, but just to try and get pictures of the panties inside he giant baseball mitt sculpture. You may scold and lecture him now at mc@strikethree.com.