Baseballhead:
Sorry, So Sorry

Michael Cox

Due to some site problems, it's a belated episode of Baseballhead, where we hate pop-up ads for MLMs just as much as you do.

In fact, before heading into our NL Central predictions, I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for those ads, which we quickly asked the Rivals.com network people to remove from our site, and to thank you for sticking with us despite such setbacks. Despite the cutthroat competition for ad dollars -- any ad dollars -- Strikethree.com will not only survive, but we'll continue to work to make sure your experience here is as swanky as possible. We can afford to do this due to no paid staff. You're welcome.

Please let us know what you think of your experience here by dashing off a mash note to editor@strikethree.com. Our readers are our greatest assets. I'm not just saying that to suck up. Okay, maybe I am.

Speaking of apologies, there are a few teams who really should be apologizing for their 2000 season, and most of those inhabit the National League Central. The Astros may not have seen their car-wreck coming, but for the Cubs and Commissioner-for-life Selig's Brewers to field the teams they did and actually sell season-ticket packages with the perk of "priority for playoff seats," there have got to be some truth-in-advertising violations afoot.

Ken Griffey Jr. (contrary to ESPN, he did not change his first name to "Junior") also had some 'splainin' to do last year, but he apparently atoned by beginning his first-ever offseason workout regimen (possibly ensuring that the Reds won't have to change his pants' fabric to Lycra).

Will the sorry, sorry state of play continue in 2001? Will the Pirates improve? Will the Brew Crew flail as helplessly at Miller Park as they did at County Stadium? Did Griffey leave the best years of his career behind him in Seattle? Are N*Sync the most talentless lip-syncing management puppets this side of A-ha?

Do you really need me to tell you?

6. Milwaukee Brewers

It is incredibly difficult to predict who'll finish last in this division because there are so many deserving teams. Still, the Brewers are always a safe bet. Selig likes to point out that a "small-market" team like his own Brewers can't survive due to money issues, but the truth is that if they die, it's because they made moves like signing Jeffrey Hammonds as a "glamour" free-agent.

In addition, the Brewers have perhaps become the team to do the least to improve themselves in their first year at a new ballpark. No, this is supposed to be a season when fans will come just to see Miller Park, buy $7 beers, buy generic t-shirts, and not care about the game on the field. Separation from day-to-day operation notwithstanding (for cryin' out loud, his damn daughter runs the team!), the Brewers are proof that Selig is not only the wrong man to "save" baseball, he'd be unable to successfully run an Ikea franchise.

5. Chicago Cubs

In case you missed it, the Cubs were last seen getting snookered in trades by teams on both sides of San Francisco Bay. The good news: they still haven't torn down Wrigley Field, and Sammy Sosa isn't likely to tank.

Even Mark Grace, who in years past painted himself as the eternal Cub, knew enough to get out of the North Side if he wanted to win anything. So how did the Cubs attempt to improve? They hired the Red Sox' pitching castoffs (Tom Gordon, okay, but Jeff Fassero?) and obtained a couple of heavy hitters (Ron Coomer and Matt Stairs). Of course, when I say "heavy hitters," I clearly mean hitters with high fat content. Residing in the land of bratwurst and pork-chop sandwiches isn't going to help.

I've always maintained that I'd even pay to watch Little League games at Wrigley Field. Year after year, the Tribune Co. tests that statement.

4. Pittsburgh Pirates

Unlike the two previous teams, the Pirates did not make moves that could potentially kill their team. Mind you, they didn't make moves that will particularly help, either. Derek Bell will likely not repeat his 2000 season, and as long as you don't believe in the myth of the "Clubhouse Cancer," he should be all right. Terry Mulholland should not be all right, but he won't get enough innings to make that much of a difference.

Still, no one will confuse the Bucs with the A's anytime soon (remember when we used to say, "no one will confuse the A's with the Braves"?). If their rotation can recover from being decimated with injuries last year, however, fans at PNC Park may actually stay in their seats and watch the game.

3. Cincinnati Reds

Really a pretty luckless bunch in 2000, the Reds were the primary beneficiaries of the Astros' unexpected slide. It isn't often you can get second place just by not being quite as bad as four other teams, however, and it won't happen this year.

Griffey should not repeat his dismal (for him) '00 season, with a new work ethic and the alien sting of becoming the media's whipping boy fresh on his mind. (Don't worry, Griff, A-Rod is the new potential laughingstock.) However, his team has done nothing to help build the team around him.

Remember when the media built up Jim Bowden as the harbinger of a new generation of smart young GMs? The Mariners are now officially glad they didn't hold out for Pokey Reese, who played more like the namesake claymation horse last year. Mark Wohlers parlayed a subpar season into...a contract extension? The rotation's a shambles, and a big hunk has been carved out of Cinergy Field (hell, why not blame that on Bowden too?).

On the other hand, he didn't re-sign Brian Hunter, but on the other other hand, most of the characters from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest could have made the same decision (yet apparently Ed Wade can't). On the other other other hand, Sean Casey's still in town...for now.

2. Houston Astros

One of the biggest questions in baseball last year was, "what up wit' the damn 'Stros?" Aside from a definite decline in pitching (getting rid of Mike Hampton never helps you in that department), there just seemed to be a big heap of bad mojo in Enron Field -- has anyone checked to make sure it wasn't built on an ancient native burial ground? I'd swear I'd heard reports of toilets spewing black fluid and walls oozing blood.

Enron's behavior turned out to be more like that of Coors than Safeco, and like so many Rockies hurlers, the Astro staff developed the yips. Also, Billy Wagner had arm problems and Craig Biggio started feeling, er, older. Jeff Bagwell tried his best to carry the team on his back, but it was an awfully heavy team.

The best move the Astros made this offseason was the one they didn't make -- allowing Ken Caminiti to siphon off a little more of Tom Hicks' fortune in Texas rather than re-signing him. Unfortunately, they also gave in to the "clubhouse cancer" myth and traded Mitch Meluskey, who got punched for not showing the requisite deference to the grizzled veterans. Then they picked up Charlie Hayes, whose major remaining skill set consists of jumping opposing pitchers from various bases.

Still, this team isn't too different from the three-time division-winning clubs, and their chief competition didn't exactly improve over their 2000 roster...

1. St. Louis Cardinals

In fact, if I was sure the 'Stros had figured out this new ballpark thing, I'd be tempted to pick 'em over the Birds. Giving in to the myth of "my God, we'd better deal him while he's worth something," Walt Jocketty sent a perfectly good Fernando Tatis to Quebec for a perfectly bad Dustin Hermanson. The Cards also failed to keep Pat Hentgen, and failed to ignore the voices in their heads telling them "John Mabry? Quentin McCracken? What are you, high?"

For some, the pickup of Bobby Bonilla would be puzzling (isn't he a "clubhouse cancer"?), but remember that Tony LaRussa has ways of keeping his players on the straight and narrow, likely involving the threat of Mark McGwire putting them in a front facelock.

Still, there could be another banner at Busch considering the relievers repeat their 2000 dominance, Rick Ankiel stops repeating the opening half-hour of Bull Durham, and McGwire stops reminding us why we call him "injury-prone."

The Central still consists of haves and have-nots, and the have-nots will still far outnumber the haves in 2001. Bud Selig will blame it on a lack of a salary cap, but we know it's more likely due to lack of essential mental skills. The players' union is unlikely to give the owners any of those, either.

about the author

Michael Cox would like to throw his hat in the ring after Selig is impeached by angry fans with torches and pikes. Ask about his "frequent-beer card" idea at mc@strikethree.com.