Baseballhead:
A-Rod-Free Zone

Michael Cox

Aiiiiiight, we got your Baseballhead up in here, yo. We may be down with O.P.P., but that's only 1) if you recognize those initials as the Ontario Provincial Police, and 2) if by "down" you mean "willing to be protected and served."

Street lingo taken care of, I've got a pledge -- nay, a solemn oath -- to make this week: No discussion whatsoever of Alex Rodriguez (you can read Dave Paisley's fine article for that) or Week 3 of the presidential election (although they should let the absent kid vote).

There's still plenty to deal with this week, starting with the doings on Capitol Hill. Apparently strapped for Hollywood producers to harass (likely due to all the producers' campaign contributions), the Feds have turned their attention to good buddy Bud Selig and his somewhat puzzling pseudo-attempts at team-by-team "parity." Of course, by "parity," Selig means he'd like the Brewers to win a few World Series.

While it sure sounds good, I expect the Senate subcommittee hearings to do about as much good as all the owners' meetings, the now-extinct luxury tax, or the "blue-ribbon panel." In effect, expect the Senate to tell Selig what George Steinbrenner has said for years: the rich have a right to be rich, and for the poor, tough nuts. Of course, there will be a strongly-worded resolution to the effect of "it's a shame that baseball has fallen so far since the 50s, when even the Kansas City A's could... oh, never mind."

But in the end, Selig will have to do what players, fans, and guys wearing blue ribbons have told him for years: wait for ice-skating weather in Hades so Steinbrenner will finally be willing to part with half his TV revenues.

I hate having to reiterate the problems with the "parity" grumble, but I will once more:

• Players will never, eeeeever, agree to a salary cap, not even if Selig holds his breath 'til he turns blue.
• Rich owners will agree to split their profits only when triceratops once again roam the earth, and then only if the triceratops agree to wear logos.
• There is no such thing as parity: the supposedly equitable NBA has been ruled first by the big-market Bulls and now the bigger-market Lakers. The NFL routinely moves franchises for the same reasons that MLB says would end with this "parity." Owners exploit revenue-sharing and salary-cap loopholes, creating rich and poor teams anyway.
• There has been no such thing as parity -- ever -- in baseball. Just ask anyone who remembers the K.C. Athletics (or the Philadelphia Athletics, for that matter). The "good ol' days" argument is as humorous as a Speedo on Drew Carey.

Of course, all these reasons are exactly why MLB, Inc. has turned to Congress for relief -- it is likely the only body of people in America who still have no clue.

I'm not saying that it's not a shame a bad business owner like Steinbrenner rakes in the elephant bucks, rather than going bankrupt like he would have with any other type of business on the planet. (Gee, what happened to his family shipbuilding business anyway?) In fact, I've said that frequently. I'm just saying it comes with the territory.

Okay, I'm also saying Cubs fans are getting the rawest of deals: a rich team who won't field a winner. Now, that should be a crime.

Speaking of the Cubbies, shouldn't they be acquiring pitchers rather than trading them for fair-to-middling position players? First it was Tim Worrell, who managed to put up decent numbers, especially for a Cub (2.47 ERA, 52 Ks to 24 BBs in 62 innings) for Bill Mueller, the man who the Giants jettisoned in favor of Russ Davis (hey, their numbers aren't that far apart).

Then the Cubbies sent young prospect Eric Ireland to the A's for... a speedy outfielder? No. A slugging first baseman to replace Mark Grace? No.

Matt Stairs.

A career DH if ever one existed. A poster child for the AL style of play. A guy who gets on base alright, but who is coming up on 33 years old and spent last year making Russ Davis look good.

Now he'll be sharing the outfield on a regular basis with Sammy Sosa -- or perhaps taking the place of Sosa.

Be afraid, Chicagoland.

Finally, the Reds have wised up and kicked Neon Deion to the curb.

What, you say? You mean you didn't know that despite not playing a single game with the Reds and then signing with the Redskins, he was still property of Cincinnati? That despite hitting only .200 in the minors and then actually refusing to allow the Reds to call him up last season, the team was still paying him?

Personal to Jim Bowden: suck-errrrrr.

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