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Generally Boring
Michael Cox
Hello, my pretties! It's Baseballhead once again, where the best politics-related ad of the season has caused us to chuckle uncontrollably whenever a friend cracks, "I invented pants."
Speaking of politics, have you voted yet today? If not, why not do it now? We'll still be here when you get back. In fact, leave this page open while you're gone. No, really -- don't mind us. We can wait.
Done now? Good. Let's move on to the business at hand, the first item of which is a hearty "get well" to the Splendid Splinter, who (reportedly) will soon be wearing some technology in his chest. Best wishes to Ted Williams regarding his (reported) surgery, and we hope he's back eating hamburgers faster than we can say "better than DiMaggio."
In other news, the weekend has come and gone at this year's General Managers meetings, and the only thing that's happened is that Walt Jocketty got a crappy award. The scuttlebutt (and by "scuttlebutt," we clearly mean "duh") is that everyone's waiting for the free agent dam to burst before making trades. Essentially, at least one of Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Mike Hampton or Mike Mussina will have to sign before anyone has the "perspective" apparently required to make a deal to help their team.
Of course, this should happen soon, as the annual GM gathering has become not so much a chance for inter-team dickering as it has a free agent flea market. In recent years, agents have descended in droves on the GMs' hotel, irreversibly changing the nature of the meetings in much the same way the Little Pepsi Girl has changed the way I view precocious child actors and their overbearing stage mothers.
The only solution? Move the meetings to January. Free agents will have been sorted out by then, and the GMs will come to wheel and deal. Yes, this has been said before, but it appears that the front-office gang has decided it's more important to go on that extended Xmas break with the family than to make career-defining decisions in the post-holiday weeks.
Still, as always there's been some interesting conversation poolside, and the Strikethree.com hidden microphone (which might be better hidden if we'd only remove the big "Strikethree.com" sticker) was there...
SCENE: The pool of the Amelia Island, FL, hotel where Major League Baseball's general managers have been meeting. Toronto GM Gord Ash, Seattle's Pat Gillick, the Yankees' Brian Cashman, the Mets' Steve Phillips, and the Dodgers' Kevin Malone sit poolside in lounge chairs, sipping daquiris and "long sloe screws."
ASH: Man, this is the life. The team pays my way, but won't authorize any more free agents, so as long as you guys won't trade all I have to do is sit here and watch the pool boys... er, I didn't say that.
GILLICK: What? The part about the team, or...?
ASH: Er, no, that last bit.
GILLICK: It won't leave this room, Gord.
ASH: Still, Pat, it's a bummer that you've replaced Woody Woodward. I could always count on him to take a struggling young pitcher or two off my hands. Plus Selig's up my nose over that Delgado deal!
GILLICK: And just why are you out of the free agent market now? (Smiles)
(Cashman's cell phone rings)
CASHMAN: Yeah? Oh, hello George...Who? Okay, I'm on it. (Hangs up phone)
MALONE: Who was that?
CASHMAN: The Boss. He wants Rickey Henderson back. I'll wait a few hours and tell him the A's are the only team he'll play for.
PHILLIPS: That Henderson is nothing but a clubhouse cancer. Cancer, I tell you!
CASHMAN: The Yanks never had trouble with him.
ASH: Neither did we.
GILLICK: Our young kids just loved him.
PHILLIPS: But... bad... cancer... clubhouse... uh, cards... bad! Bad, I say!
ASH: You'd better settle down. You sound like a Peter Gammons column.
(Phillips' cell phone rings)
PHILLIPS: Yeah? Oh, hello Bobby...Who? Sure, and monkeys will fly out my butt! (Hangs up phone)
(Agent Scott Boras enters)
BORAS: Hel-lo, gentlemen! Let the Alex Rodriguez sweepstakes begin! Looky here -- 50-page glossy brochures chock-full of reasons why he's the greatest free agent pickup of all time! Only $10 each!
MALONE: $10?
BORAS: Well, there's the offset lithography, and short press runs are expensive! I mean, look at the quality of that paper!...Well, if you're not interested...
ASH: Damn you, Boras!
(Everyone ponies up a Hamilton except Cashman)
CASHMAN: Not for me, thanks. A-Rod's already said he doesn't want to play for the Yankees, and that he won't play second base.
BORAS: He never said that.
GILLICK: Oh, yes he did. Very specifically. Especially the part where he's a shortstop, not a second baseman.
BORAS: No, er... he was clearly talking about, uh, Ernie Banks! He said Ernie Banks would never be a Yankee second baseman. Besides, after Alex overruled me and accepted that low offer from the Mariners in '96, he'll play in Montreal if they'll pay him. Plus he's staying locked in my hotel room closet until I make a deal.
(Cashman's cell phone rings)
CASHMAN: Yeah? Oh, hello George...What? Okay, I'm on it. (Hangs up phone) He wants to know if we can sign A-Rod and make him play in Montreal.
BORAS: Well, with the 164 percent exchange rate... add in the extra Canadian taxes... GST...
CASHMAN: Never mind.
(Red Sox GM Dan Duquette enters)
DUQUETTE: Anyone up for a trade for Carl Everett? Anyone...?
(Uncomfortable silence as GMs cast furtive glances at each other)
DUQUETTE: Anyone? ...Damn.
(Duquette exits)
MALONE: What a maroon.
ASH: Not so fast, Malone -- guys like Dan are the only reason Fox is too scared to fire your ass.
MALONE: D'oh.
(Cashman's cell phone rings)
CASHMAN: Yeah? Oh, hello George...Who? Okay, I'm on it. (Hangs up phone) You guys don't think I could get Will Clark to un-retire, do you?
(Everyone shares a laugh, á la the Scooby Doo gang)
(Ed. note: As always, remember that the Strikethree.com hidden microphone tends to dramatize things a bit. All social behaviors in this column are fictional, and any resemblance to social behaviors of actual Major League GMs is purely coincidental. However, the stuff about Steinbrenner is dead-on.)
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