Baseballhead:
Sub-Standard Series

Michael Cox

This week's Baseballhead is brought to you by foam ballpark novelties -- wearing foam on your head is even sillier than painting "Yanks" on five fat guys' chests.

It's been a week of loooong games as the League Championship Series marched on. This was not made any better by the catatonia-inducing pronouncements of NBC's Bob Costas and FOX' Team Tired of Joe Buck and Tim "What People Don't Understand" McCarver. The dueling inanities rolled on as the week progressed...

Costas (Game 5, ALCS):

"Things are looking grim as Jason Grimsley comes into the game."

Buck (Game 5, NLCS):

"People in New York often go to the Hamptons. The Mets are doing that tonight."

We now know who the networks won't be using for material should the screenwriters go on strike.

McCarver was his usual New York-centric self, acknowledging a budding late-inning Cards rally only as an aside to his extended treatise (accompanied by whooshing Fox graphics) on the Mets' "character." And he wasn't simply using his pet name for Bobby Valentine. Mind you, for once you can forgive McCarver something, as he was a Mets broadcaster for many years (unfortunately for Yankee fans, he moved across town this season).

Then again, Giants/ESPN vocal ace Jon Miller manages to stay professional, but of course, Jon Miller is a lot of things McCarver is not.

There is, however, little excuse for Bob Costas, who portrays himself as not only a consummate professional, but also a baseball expert of the highest degree. The Mariners were portrayed as a team who had to defeat not only the current Yankee team, but also an additional squad of ghosts, so it wasn't surprising that Seattle went down three games to one before winning on Sunday. It was "Angels in the Outfield," except with a goateed drunk guy in a torn Yankees jersey instead of a little kid.

Recently, a poster of Usenet said that if he could replace Bud Selig with Costas, he'd do it "in a heartbeat." So would I. In fact, here's a partial list of who I'd replace Selig with in a heartbeat:

• Yogi Berra
• Stage and screen star Brian Dennehy
• A stalk of wilted celery
• Teletubby "Tinky-Winky"
• The Mariner Moose

And you know how I feel about the Moose.

Unfortunately for Costas, barring a McCarver-like attempt to switch networks, this postseason may have been his last as a baseball broadcaster. Somehow I don't really believe it, but it may be.

On the other hand, McCarver and Cheese, er, Buck, will roll on into the World Series, which as we know now, will feature the New York Mets.

The Mets, dominating the Cards hitters as the Braves could only dream of doing, also took advantage of Tony La Russa's bungling of his pitching staff to win the NLCS in an unbelievably easy fashion. Even worse, La Russa might as well have kept Mark McGwire off the playoff roster for all the good he did.

It could be argued that instead of holding Mac out of the on-deck circle until either the bases were loaded or tying run was required, La Russa snuffed some burgeoning rallies. I'll simply argue that La Russa's body was inhabited by space aliens, who thought this baseball thing might be fun. "Let that wild pitcher throw again," the directive would come from the home planet, and like the dutiful Quiisaars they are, Mrrr-ka and Bel-zzzz complied.

At this point, the main advantage of a Subway Series would be that at least one of the two teams involved does not use "Who Let the Dogs Out" as their "unofficial anthem."

Unfortunately, that's the only good thing, barring the natural-selection possibilities of fights among their fans. In fact, an all-New York series would offer the strongest argument yet that the current playoff system is a watered-down, NHL-like farce that rewards teams for laying low and resting when they realize they can clinch one of the plentiful postseason berths, instead of fighting for a title.

A Mets-Yankees series would feature the teams with the fifth- and ninth-best records in baseball. Neither would have even made the playoffs, depending on AL alignment, had the two-division system been in place. Woo-hoo. Worse, they've already played each other this year. You know? Clemens beaning Piazza (conveniently, at Yankee Stadium, so the Rocket wouldn't have to bat himself, which would have come to a result similar to that of Kenny on South Park)? Cross-town double-header? All this ring a bell?

It'll even be anticlimactic to New Yorkers, so why should the rest of the country give a flip? Heck, a Bay Bridge series between the (irrationally) hated Barry Bonds and the Unknown A's would've been more exciting to the Midwest. Big Brother would've been more exciting.

I'm not calling it a lock yet, however, as much of America roots on the Mariners in their bid to repeat their 1995 backs-against-the-wall heroics. Against the Bronx Bunch this year, the M's have performed better in The House that Ruth Built than at The House that Griffey Built. Just keep Lou Piniella from making the middle of his order bunt. Keep your fingers crossed.

Either way, I'll be back for a World Series edition of Baseballhead next week, where I hope I'm not forced to wax nostalgic about the Polo Grounds. Ta-ta!

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