Baseballhead:
Darryl, Darryl, Darryl

Michael Cox

Welcome to yet still another edition of Baseballhead, where we're sorry we vowed to buy playoff tickets only when either Hell froze over or Fred Durst performed with Christina Aguilera.

As I set out to write this column Monday evening, I scanned the wire for last-minute additions, and what I found was the latest chapter in the sad, sad story of Darryl Strawberry. Although all the details aren't in, witnesses say his SUV rear-ended another SUV waiting for a light, then tried to flee the scene. Strawberry subsequently admitted to have taken a prescription tranquilizer before getting behind the wheel, and that he subsequently blacked out.

There's a time when you have to stop wondering what he's thinking, and just shake your head in wonder that only the popularity of SUVs has kept natural selection from prevailing.

In speaking to the media, Strawberry's lawyer emphasized the legal nature of the drugs coursing through the ex-player's veins at the time of the accident, as if the fact it wasn't cocaine should be cause for rejoicing. However, a crackhead had a better chance of avoiding Monday's accident than did the unconscious Strawberry.

Perhaps Strawberry should be held out of society for a while. You know, they could use a little excitement around the Big Brother house...

Item: Speaking of people who just don't know when to quit, Steve Garvey is in hot water with no less than the Federal Trade Commission for his unswerving endorsement of a diet "system" in a late-night infomercial. Who'd have thought that would happen? Hands down, everyone.

The fun continued when Garvey replied to the charges with this statement:

"To my knowledge, this would represent a precedent in that a host is being asked to bear financial responsibility for a product he endorses, and that he has found to work. For this reason, we fully expect the support of the Screen Actors Guild in this matter."

Needless to say, SAG has been mum on the issue so far. After all, they've got striking commercial actors to support, and if you had to choose from an embarrassing ex-athlete or the well-being of two hundred trained cats pounding the pavement wearing "Friskies unfair!" signs, who would you pick?

However, you've gotta give it to Steve that he keeps endorsing the product, even in his response to a lawsuit. I'm guessing that when those Total Gyms start breaking, Chuck Norris will be out of there like Dr. Laura at La Cage.

Item: The "war on beanballs" officially got stupid last week, with self-defined lawman Frank Robinson fining Cubs youngster Kerry Wood for throwing high-and-tight to Alex Cora. This may be the first time in MLB history that a player has been suspended for something that conceivably could have possibly have happened if only things had gone slightly differently.

Let there be no mistake: Wood was not only not ejected from the game in question, he wasn't even warned, because the plate ump saw no reason. No brawl ensued, no one was injured. Therefore, Robinson suspended Wood for an action that was 100% legal in the game.

Couple this with the recent Peter Gammons rant against what he calls "brawlball," and it seems that elderly people have nothing to do but to sit around and talk about the good ol' days when players were civil and the pitchers always took opposing hitters out for steaks.

Someone should ask Willie Mays about that -- the man's probably still got a sore ass from hitting the dirt so often.

Item: Wood's transgression pales in comparison with the flagrant cheating I've witnessed this past week. Alone of all the catchers I studied during the past couple of weeks, the Yankees' Jorge Posada routinely positions himself a good six inches outside the catchers' box -- the area outlined behind the plate specifically to keep catchers from suckering umps into calling a wider strike.

It simply outlines an era of lawlessness, aided and abetted by umpires whose primary objective is avoiding conflict with players (except for John Schulock, who reacted to an argument over his bungled infield fly rule call by declaring a triple play). Players stand on the plate wearing body armor, call time while the pitcher is winding up and, with Frank Robinson's recent ruling, need not fear inside strikes.

Let's just call a spade a spade and let batting practice coaches pitch. Or better yet, celebrity pitchers. Al Gore tossed an hour of BP last week -- why not have him duel with G.W. as the starters for the Braves and Astros? (Yes, I know Bush owned the Rangers, but we gotta get them both in the same league.) It'd keep 'em both off the streets for a while.

Think of it -- Stars with new movie releases would be pencilled in to the Dodgers' rotation. Imagine the ESPN ratings when Eddie Murphy leads the Angels against Puff Daddy and the Yankees! In fact, the whole East coast-West coast rap war could be settled over... er, never mind. Frank Robinson would end up suspending the whole Death Row Records roster.

Still, at least after he did that, Robinson would flinch whenever a Lincoln with tinted windows drove by...

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