Baseballhead:
Bold Words? Sure!

Michael Cox

Hold onto your hats, Baseballhead fans (and those of you without hats had better get a firm grasp on whatever hair you might have), because this week it's time to challenge some cherished assumptions and make some bold declarations. A manifesto, even. C'mon -- the dark side is fun!

#1: Peter Gammons is senile.

This occurred around the same time people started calling him "The Commish." His recent discovery of that newfangled OPS stat aside, his ruminations on the clubhouse leadership qualities of no-stick shortstops come this close to drifting into tales of "Dubble-ya Dubble-ya Two, when rations were so short we ate boots."

Have you ever noticed that his trade rumors carry an approximate success rate of 5%? There are two schools of thought on that one: those who believe he has bad sources, and others who believe his sources purposely give him inaccurate information. Consider me in the latter group. It's my opinion that the average Gammons fact-finding phone call goes something like this:

(Phone rings. Reds GM JIM BOWDEN picks up.)

BOWDEN: Insta-Drink water filters, Jim speaking!

GAMMONS: Is this Jim?

BOWDEN: Erm,...I meant, "Reds front office!"

GAMMONS: Jim, it's Pete.

BOWDEN: Hey, Commish! I still can't believe how you nailed the Griffey deal! (Note: Gammons floated every Griffey rumor except the actual deal.) You still got it, fella.

GAMMONS: It's nothing. By the way, anything happening for you right now? I hear you're trying to improve the team.

BOWDEN: Geez, man, are you psychic or what? I'm gonna have to get one of those...er...Russian thought, uh, descramblers or something.

GAMMONS: You know I have my sources.

BOWDEN: Well, I'll help you out. You didn't hear it from me, but if Barry Larkin clears the waiver wire, he's as good as gone to...(opens Baseball Weekly to a random page) Anaheim for, er...(scans Anaheim roster) Tim Belcher and (with mischievous grin) Gary DiSarcina.

GAMMONS: Wow! That would be a blockbuster! I thought nobody could steal DiSarcina from the Angels!

BOWDEN: We may have to throw in a minor-leaguer as well, but it's worth it for all that clubhouse leadership.

GAMMONS: Thanks, Jim! I've gotta phone this one in while it's an exclusive!

BOWDEN: Sure thing, Commish! (Hangs up, then dials Anaheim GM Bill Stoneman). Hey, Bill?...No, I'm not trying to sell you a premium water filtration system this time, although if you're interested...okay, okay. If Gammons calls, you've been talking to me about a deal but you can't mention the players. Oh, and for giggles, tell DiSarcina to stay near a phone tonight...Sure, I think he'll fall for it again...

Unfortunately, my main argument for Gammons' less-than-graceful slide into senior citizenhood was his Boston Globe column, which as it turns out was so badly written because he was leaving and just didn't care. Still, he's good for a laugh, as in his most recent column, which blamed waiver deals for allowing teams to make too many late improvements, while his own company's Jayson Stark ranted about how those damn waiver claims are preventing any good deals.

#2: Waivers are operating as expected, situation normal.

Both Gammons and Stark are wrong -- teams traditionally put a large number of players on waivers, just to see if they can slip one through. Whole teams have been placed on waivers. If there were no claims, you'd see oodles of great, crazy trades throughout August. Albert Belle for Carl Everett. Juan Gonzalez for Gary Sheffield. Rey Ordonez and a bottle of Bosco for Bret Boone.

It doesn't happen. It never did.

All teams want good players, and they'd like to get them cheap. Placing a player on waivers is supposed to indicate that you're willing to let him go cheaper than you would have on July 31. The only players going unclaimed are too expensive, either financially or psychically (Canseco) or just plain crappy (Brian Hunter), which is exactly what happened.

#3: It's not just okay, but necessary to call a crappy player a crappy player.

Recently there has been a rash of sportswriters (and if you've never seen a group of sportswriters together, I guarantee that "rash" is apropos) apologizing to gawdawful players for previous pieces calling said players gawdawful. Let me tell you something: players play; reporters report. If a hitter couldn't hit a ten in Vegas, he's a bad hitter. If a reporter can't report the truth, he's a bad reporter.

The reason reporters apologize is that they want to continue to talk to other players. Unfortunately, like any powerful union, MLB players have decided that if a player can't hit his weight, sprint to first and make it by the end of a commercial break, or catch a cold, there must be some other good reason to keep him around, collecting as high a paycheck as possible. Thus was born the "clubhouse leader."

#4: "Clubhouse leadership" is a bunch of crap.

This is an intangible that was invented to keep the likes of Gary DiSarcina in a job. The fact is that teams who play well have a happy clubhouse; teams who lose descend into bickering and fistfights over whether the clubhouse music will consist of Dr. Dre or Ricky Martin. It's interesting to note that after the New York media branded Rickey Henderson a "cancer," players go out of their way to talk to him in Seattle.

#5: Ballplayers are paid commensurate with their skills (that is, the good ones).

If I had a Canadian dime for every time someone brings up "overpaid athletes" as if the two words go together naturally, I could save the Expos. Anyone who has a rudimentary education in economics understands that a player's value is determined in part by the amount of revenue the baseball industry generates. In short, ballplayers make lots of money because people pay lots of money to see them, and not vice versa.

However, if you call baseball a form of entertainment (as I do), many players are overpaid (several of whom have been mentioned above). You see, in a Jim Carrey movie, Jim makes $20M, then his name co-stars might make a half or even a quarter of that. But all those people who serve only to pretend to talk to each other in the background -- they make scale. So should the guys who serve only to fill out a roster.

Of course, you could argue the existence of Steven Segal, the cinematic equivalent of Rey Ordonez (no stick, but great in the action sequences). Or worse, Dom DeLouise, the cinematic Chris Bosio.

Hey, there's a new game to play while you're watching a game: when you see a scrub player come up to bat, give him a name equivalent to a movie extra's credit. I'll start.

Russ Davis: Confused man
Ozzie Guillen: Man with cooked noodle
Mark McLemore: Man with...give us a minute

#6: Ballgames are dirt cheap.

Every year your local newspaper assaults you with something called the "Fan Cost Index." This list purports to show you what a typical day at the ballpark will cost for a family of four. What it actually shows is what the game will cost if the family chooses to make a yearly event out of it. According to this index, the typical family of four must park a car in a pay lot, is not willing to share a program, and requires two new fitted caps each time it attends a game.

These families must each have a room dedicated to storing all those caps.

So, all the FCI serves to prove is that making a day of anything, while buying souvenirs and food, can be expensive. It is not, however, what a rational family would -- or should -- pay. Kids should never be seated in prime locations. At best, their attention span wanders and they spend half the time out of their seats. At worst, their attention span wanders and they get hit by a foul ball because they weren't looking.

I'm the first one to tell you that you should consider good seats if you want to impress a date, the boss, or venture capitalists. However, a family of four should consider nothing better than plateside upper-deck chairs.

Also, it seems that few people grasp the concept of eating before you arrive at the ballpark. I attend upwards of 50 games per year, and I rarely spend over $5 on concessions during any one game. the turning point, I think, was when I realized that outside food was better than ballpark food. Take a chance -- buy a $2.50 jumbo bratwurst from the guy flame-broiling it on the street, rather than a boiled frank inside.

Of course, you have a right to sit and eat where you want to. You just don't have the right to whine about it when you do.

#7: Edgar Martinez, upon retirement, should be elected to the Hall of Fame.

This one may be mostly personal, but have a look in Total Baseball -- his numbers rank up there with the all-time greats. Mind you, he hasn't had the length of career that some would say it takes to achieve immortality, but he's done more with that career than 99.9% of his peers.

Plus, he's twice the player Tony Perez ever was.

about the author

Looks like somebody forgot #8: If you have a problem with any of the above, send Michael Cox a piece of your mind at mc@strikethree.com. If you're lucky he'll send it back -- it's hard to find good pieces of mind around these days.