Baseballhead:
Stop Making Sense

Michael Cox

Breaker, breaker, good buddy. This here's Baseballhead, where we wonder if CB radios weren't a hell of a lot more fun to use in a car than cell phones are now, not to mention less manslaughter-inducing in your fellow drivers.

While we were wait for the good ol' U.S. of A. to pass a law like Australia's (two words: fat chance), we've been watching the trade wire like Bob Wells scans freeway exits for a Red Lobster (I suppose he'll want to beat me up now). And on this little plot of land we call Baseballhead (even if Rivals' character-count limits don't allow us to put it in our titles like we used to do), we're going to find the wackiest of the trade-deadline trends and expose them like "Big Brother" exposes...er, well, just how dull people can be.

First and foremost on your minds, I'm thinking, is the grizzled-veteran-dump the Orioles made this week. Unfortunately for Bird fans, when Peter Angelos gets something stuck in his head, he doesn't do it halfway. Everything must go! Mike Bordick? Gone! Mike Timlin? Gone! B.J. Surhoff? Will Clark? Harold Baines? Gone, gone, and gone! Cal Ripken...?

Wait just a minute there, pilgrim. Don't want to do anything to jeopardize St. Cal's induction to the Hall as an O, do we?

And that splash you heard was the baby going out with the bathwater, as Charles Johnson, finally growing into the decent hitter everyone said he'd be, was sent to the savvy ChiSox. Mind you, Johnson hadn't signed an extension with Balto, meaning it was unlikely he would after the season, even at an Angelos pro-union price. Nevertheless, it's clear that the O's are clearing the decks for...for...

I'm not sure. If they'd been making some Expo-type deals I'd call it "rebuilding." But Jose Leon, who looks like Pete Incaviglia Lite? Trenidad Hubbard, who's already older than some of the guys the O's traded away? Melvin Mora?

I didn't think I'd ever say this, but they're gonna miss Mike Bordick.

Mind you, should some of the minor-league pitchers and the currently injured Luis Rivera pan out, and if Angelos is looking to actually grab some strategically placed free agents rather than spend a few years profit-taking, the O's could become the A's of the East Coast around 2004.

However, I predict Angelos' itchy veteran-finger becomes unbearable about the time Rafael Palmiero is available again. Maybe sooner.

Moving to Cleveland, I'm sure that you're wondering just what the hell John Hart has in his coffee mug these days. David Justice and his perfectly respectable .891 OPS are sent off to NYC -- okay, the Tribe are calling it a season. Get some prospects and retool. But then they toss the criminally mistreated Richie Sexson to Milwaukee for vets Bob Wickman and Jason Bere. Then they take David Segui from Texas (no doubt to clear Raffi for another Gold Glove, with his main competition now on another team). Then they re-acquire Wil Cordero, who we thought had worn out his welcome at the Jake.

Reason? Basically, between the Justice deal and the Wickman trade, the White Sox went on a losing streak while the Wahoos caught fire. In this time of the Wild Card, that seems to be all it takes to go from salary dumping to acquiring iffy veterans for a stretch run.

But the Bird and Tribe strategies pale next to the mighty brain of Dodgers GM Kevin Malone, who continues to supply living proof of the Peter Principle. Just when you thought anyone with a shard of brain in their skull would understand the value, or more precisely the lack thereof, of Tom Goodwin, Malone decides it's a good idea to move the man who made "offensive stiff" a household word from Coors Field to the hitter's kryptonite of Dodger Stadium.

But he's got speed and defense, a few still might counter.

If he could sell cold beer as well, maybe he could help the team during those long, long periods between hits or walks.

And the Dodgers traded three guys for him! If pitcher Randey Dorame catches on in Denver, you might see another involuntary "resignation" in Chavez Ravine. Of course, I've predicted this before, so I'm beginning to suspect that Malone has photos of Rupert Murdoch suitable for printing in one of the News Corp.'s own papers.

At least the Cards got cash to go along with Will Clark, who is nothing but a temp while Big Mac heals from his regularly-scheduled injury. However, considering Clark's own cavalcade of owies, it's possible the team hopes they can stagger his and Mac's DL visits and always have one decent first baseman.

Meanwhile, watch the fun as Mike Timlin is praised by fans and St. Louis sports-talk pundits, fails, and is then booed by fans and sports-talk pundits. This happened in Toronto, Seattle and Baltimore, and I see no reason that it won't happen in the shadow of the Arch. At least they managed to get rid of Heathcliff Slocumb.

The Cubs, who have been cleaning house themselves, essentially replaced the mediocre, overpaid Henry Rodriguez with the decent-but-accident-prone Rondell White. And what team needs a player like Rodriguez the least? Why, Florida, of course, who didn't let something like that bother them. After all, if several teams all take simultaneous nosedives, the Fish could possibly with a little luck be in a wild card race.

If you're sensing that I view all this trade-deadline madness as the equivalent of N'Sync mania, you're right. The good deals went down several days ago, when Curt Schilling, Andy Ashby and Denny Neagle all swapped logos.

Now we get Ron Gant to the Angels, Glenallen Hill to the Yankees, Rolando Arrojo and Mike Lansing to the Red Sox, and serial husband Al Martin to the Mariners. These GMs all drank the Kool-Aid, and the few pickups who catch fire in August and September will be enough fodder to do it all again this time next year.

Who did good? Aside from the aforementioned Yanks, Braves and Snakes, the teams with the best development strategies also made the best strategic pickups: the White Sox (is Reinsdorf really still running that team?) got a stable Harold Baines (will they have to unretire his jersey again?) and the aforementioned Johnson. The A's got bullpen help in Jim Mecir, and while they did give up a top prospect, this is the season they want to move to that mythical "next level."

But pity San Diego, who now has John Mabry and Tom "Don't Worry, We'll Teach Him Control" Davey. Pity Detroit, who have bupkus, and were tempted to put Luis Polonia's head on a pike outside the Comerica Park gates, as a warning to all who think they can get something for that crappy veteran.

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