AllStarHead

Michael Cox

Howdy, y'all, and welcome to a very special All-Star edition of Baseballhead, where we've been waiting by the phone ever since they floated a rumor that if Mike Bordick got injured, we'd get the nod. Where's the Gotti family when you need 'em?

As expected, the All-Star Home Run Derby attracted more fan attention than tonight's Replacement-Scrub Game (Jeffrey Hammonds? Jeffrey Hammonds?? Even he thought it was a prank) is likely to. And finally, someone named either Sosa or McGwire didn't choke along the way, with Slammin' Sammy putting on one of the best pyrotechnic shows I've seen at the event. Of course, the headlines in Seattle tomorrow will read, "Griffey Claims Sosa's Balls Juiced."

But last night Griffey passed the torch to Sammy, a player so considerate that he made sure fans in the very back rows got free baseballs. A player so high-profile that Bud Selig interrupted the on-field master of ceremonies to make sure he got camera time with Sosa. And most of all, a player whose name was just made for Michael "let's get ready to rumble" Buffer's, er, golden tongue.

And to top it all off, he wants to stay a Cub after all. Go ahead and throw in a rainbow and a unicorn -- it can't get any more sappy.

The fun last night included ESPN's masterstroke of miking players like Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez, who couldn't participate but just happened to be in the neighborhood. Bonds can replace Joe Morgan anytime (heck, Linda Cohn can replace Joe Morgan anytime), and the funniest moment came when A-Rod was asked about his impending free agency, and the apparently still-groggy shortstop replied, "it'll be fun."

But joy turned to pity when the Derby was followed by a tape-delayed broadcast of the "Celebrity Hitting Challenge," or whatever it's called (even the ESPN website didn't bother listing it). You don't have to be an expert to know that following a packed house chanting, "Sam-my! Sam-my!" with a crowd more in line with a Twins weekday matinee can be a real viewership-killer.

That's not to say that I don't understand why the fans didn't show up -- when the sign says "Celebrity," then you get a cast member from American Pie, scalpers' profits plummet. When Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath is your most bankable "star," (the guy is everywhere), it means Kevin Costner's no longer taking Selig's calls. (Also, it's possible MLB brass thinks Costner's a pitcher.) Perhaps many stars are unclear regarding the meaning of "celebrity hitting," thinking Chad Kreuter might be involved.

Mind you, I thought it was great that the Challenge's five-person teams featured not only baseball legends (and Otis Nixon, although I have to wonder if I can get one of those "Nixons" jerseys), but also current top female softball players. But who's gonna get the ax when the ratings for this event come in? Not the nameless "celebrities," that's for sure.

Anyway, that's all over with for another year, and we're left with the Midsummer Classic, which this year neither falls in the middle of Summer nor is likely to be classic. However, you can never tell when a great All-Star Game is going to break out, and they sometimes do. Still, there are a few things I can predict:

• The crowd will at some point chant, "Sam-my! Sam-my!"
  
• The crowd will at no point chant, "Trav-is! Trav-is!"
  
• If Joe Torre attempts to put Edgar Martinez into the field, Lou Piniella will find Joe Torre and remove his entire gastrointestinal tract.
  
• David Wells will claim a "wild pitch" after he aims one at Sports Illustrated writer Jeff Pearlman.
  
• There will be no bench-clearing brawl. Unfortunately.
  
• Bordick will not proclaim himself "the luckiest man on Earth," although he should.
  
• Bud Selig will look even more disheveled than he did yesterday, although no one thought it possible.
  
• And when it's all over, Alex Rodriguez and Mike Piazza will ask their respective clubhouses to turn that damn music down.

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