Baseballhead:
Bring on the New Umps

Michael Cox

Arr, matey, all aboard the good ship Baseballhead, where all who associate with the little Pepsi girl walk the plank.

Like the other 3,486 people who get ESPN2, I watched last Wednesday's pitching duel between Randy Johnson and Kevin Brown. If they'd been playing on a real network, they'd have both earned every penny of their paychecks for the evening.

What's more, it reaffirmed my belief that a pitcher's duel is every bit as interesting as the festivals of scoring we're used to these days. Mind you, it may have been the specific pitchers involved (I'm not sure I'd have enjoyed a Twins-Tigers swishfest quite as much), but I'd like to see more to find out.

Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen while the Selig regime guards the gates. While many have the reasons wrong (hint: forget andro, the balls, or the new parks), most know there's a problem.

Joe Torre is calling it "Arena Baseball." D-Rays manager Larry Rothschild is advocating a wider home plate. The only person not alarmed by the drastic increase in scoring is Selig, who recently implored everyone to "wait and see how this all shakes out."

Of course, when Bud says "wait and see how this all shakes out," he means "wait and see if attendance, TV ratings and merchandising decrease." In no way does he mean "wait and see if scoring evens out," because he knows it won't.

The most frustrating thing about all this is that the answer is simple -- enforce the rules of baseball as the were written:

• Call the rulebook strike zone. So far, we've gotten excuses like tradition, camera angles, and fans distracting the plate ump with delicious hot dogs. Rationalize it all you like, but the current strike zone wouldn't be regulation if Gary Coleman were at the plate.
  
• Stop allowing hit batters to take first base when they make no effort to avoid a pitch, and worse, when the pitch is in the strike zone. The rationale for this one is that the hitter would argue. If I may -- duh. It might be time to encourage a few Cuban umpires to defect, as I understand they don't take crap.
  
• Stop allowing batters to call "time" when the pitcher is in his windup. This is expressly, particularly forbidden, even in the case (and I am quoting) of "dust in the eyes," "fogged glasses," or "evil gremlins." Again, the fear of confrontation appears to be the cause.

Well, in the spirit that it is better to be constructive than to simply cast blame, I offer not one, but two ways to solve this problem:

• Hire kids. Any ophthalmologist will tell you that children have much better eyesight than elderly people. And who would dare put his career in jeopardy by threatening a child with violence after being called out? Well, besides Albert Belle.
  Possible drawback: If the plate umpire is clipped by a foul tip, he might cry.
  
  
• Hire professional wrestling referees. If it's entertainment Uncle Bud wants, why not go all the way? Imagine the fun when Davey Johnson distracts the umpiring squad while Mark Grudzielanek dashes directly from home plate to third, then high-fives the third-base coach as the umps turn around, convincing them he just hit a triple. Of course, the other team's arguments would fall on deaf ears.
  Drawback: Outcomes will be predetermined, meaning that your 2001 World Champions will be the Milwaukee Brewers.
  

Item: Rickey Henderson was actually waived for the purpose of his release this past weekend, as the team finally agreed to grant his request after he threatened a New York Post reporter (then again, he's in good company). Of course, it would not have been necessary to waive him again if he had actually cleared waivers last week, as ESPN and the wire services reported, meaning that Peter Gammons has been suckered again.

Of course, all mention of the earlier "scoop" was pulled from ESPN, as tumbleweeds blew around a wasteland of week-old Gammons columns late last week. Apparently Rob Neyer has learned not to comment on these rumors, a smart idea on the part of their smartest columnist.

Why not admit when you were wrong -- better yet, why not expose your "source" to take the ridicule? If the Mets' clubhouse boy is ridiculed publicly, perhaps it would teach him not to say he overheard Steve Phillips plotting to send Henderson to Pittsburgh.

In any case, it seems ESPN misunderstood a reader poll that suggested their viewers wanted more fantasy news. At least, I think they misunderstood...

about the author

For all his crazy ideas, you might wonder why Michael Cox doesn't just run down on the field and play umpire himself. Tell him you know it's the fifty times he saw The Naked Gun at mc@strikethree.com.