Baseballhead:
Calling Dr. Wacky!

Michael Cox

Konichi-wa, dudes and dudettes, behold the latest edition of Baseballhead, the column that couldn't be happier that John Lydon's and Tom Green's TV programmes are going head-to-head. We say, let the best goof win!

And speaking of goofs, with a baseball week so bereft of anything but good baseball that other writers are re-discovering "Coors Field: ERAs are high, too many HRs" stories, we proudly turn over this week's Baseballhead to the Medic O' Mirth, Dr. Wacky. This week the good Doctor will use his Master's Degree in Clubhouse Chemistry to answer reader questions.

Dear Dr. Wacky,

Can anything be done about the New York Yankees? They're ruining it for everyone.

Signed,
Dan in Boston

Dear Dan,

While I might agree that the last person to deserve this kind of success is George Steinbrenner, remember that dynasties have made baseball what it is today. Why, if it weren't for the Yankees, the Athletics would still be in Kansas City and Oakland would have never had a really bad hockey team.

So I suggest we hold off until 2003, when the Yankee team payroll finally approaches the market capitalization of Amazon.com, and Steinbrenner runs off to Brazil with the team's broadcast revenues. Bernie Williams' and Paul O'Neill's attempt to recoup their lost wages will become the top-rated network show, "Who Wants to Beat a Millionaire?"

Dear Dr. Wacky,

Isn't it so cooool that the whiney Ken Whiffey is sucking it up in WKRP-land? I mean, the way he treated the fans last winter was a slap in the face and an insult to baseball. Now he's getting his, and they booed him senseless in New York, another city he kissed off. These superstars have to understand who pays the bills! Us, the fans!

Signed,
Snitty in Seattle

Dear Snitty,

By now, Seattle has easily paid back any insult Ken Griffey has made, is making, or might conceivably make in an unguarded moment in the future. The need to vent is understandable, as moshing has been passe for a number of years now. However, that rage might be better directed at people attempting to start "the wave."

As for kissing off New York, I'm sure Griffey read the Surgeon General's warning on the side of the city and saved his smooching for a cleaner place, like Zebulon. Finally, it is certain that Griffey knows exactly who is paying his bills, because he and Nike have never been tighter.

Dear Dr. Wacky,

Who's the best shortstop: Omar Vizquel or Rey Ordonez?

Signed,
Dieter

Hey Dieter,

To answer that question we must use the Dr. Wacky Defensive Rating, a complex formula which includes such statistics as "would he look cuter if it weren't for the bald spot" or "Unfortunately, lack of skill plus liberal-arts college education means his projected 2001 position is in telephone stock trading."

Weighing all the factors, we can only come to one conclusion: It's pizza time. Sorry.

P.S.: What's with the name? Are you German, or have you just been watching a lot of Oprah?

Dear Dr. Wacky,

Please make it stop! The horror...the horror...

Signed,
Not Drunk Enough in Milwaukee

Hey Drunk,

Get off my back... get it? Get off my back?

If you think it's bad now, just wait until they're stinking it up in Miller Park and the beers are seven bucks.

Dear Dr. Wacky,

You're forgetting that it's all because of the need for parity, and true revenue sharing so that every team has a chance at a World Series. It is only then that baseball will once again be the people's sport, like it was in the '20s when any team could win the... oh, never mind.

Signed,
Not Drunk Enough in the Commissioner's Office

Hey Bud,

While some might argue that parity is what made the NFL great, others would readily trade the thought of their city ever winning a Super Bowl if it would erase their memory of the Buffalo Bills. Don't think that the rest of us don't feel that way about the Brewers, either.

And while you're here, what's up with the umpires? The tiniest li'l strike zone in the world isn't going to make it any easier for Lyle Mouton to hit. You know, you could call a precise strike zone using lasers, and after the game you could charge fans to lie in the grass and watch interpretations of Pink Floyd's "The Wall." Think about it.

Geez. Out of electrons. Keep those questions coming in for Dr. Wacky, and remember, he's so smart because he's never uttered the word "wassup."

about the author

Michael Cox is always looking for new characters to pen guest columns, and he's not picky. Suggest he solicit Superman, Spiderman, or even his garbage man at mc@strikethree.com.