Baseballhead:
Shame of the Nation

Michael Cox

It's time once again for your 15th-most beloved Web column, Baseballhead, where we find the SuperFriends version of "whazzup" much more fun than the original.

Only one week has passed in the regular season (not counting Tokyo Dome games), but already I've noticed the escalation of a trend that mocks one of this nation's cherished traditions...

Bad national anthem renditions.

Now, I'm not talking "bad" as in the "we're short an anthem next week -- doesn't the GM's nephew sing?" variety. I'm not even concerning myself with the disquieting trend of allowing toddlers to vocalize as best they can on a difficult song in front of a huge audience, which is a recipe for trouble.

I'm referring to the 10,000 Mariah Carey/Michael Bolton/Kenny G wannabes who make the pregame ceremony a platform to demonstrate 1) how many notes they can sing and/or play; and 2) how s-l-o-w-l-y they can perform a song that was written as a march. Scowl as you will at the guy in front of you who forgets to remove his cap "to honor America"; chances are that the person performing the song is the real disgrace.

For example, last Sunday the Mariners foisted a young woman on the Safeco Field throng for approximately the fifth time in less than a year. A mid-teen, she's introduced as a "rising young star," then through her introduction of notes never even imagined by Francis Scott Key she turned a 1:15 song into a 3-minute epic.

And even that would be well and good, if not for the fact that the producers she imagines handing her a fat record deal would surely notice that not only does she take a breath every two notes, but also that close to ten percent of said notes are flat. Yet, people cheered when she finished, some because they feel that you just can't boo after "The Star Spangled Banner," others no doubt because they were glad it was over.

But wait -- there's more. Last season the team made the mistake of allowing this girl to attempt a rendition of the Canadian national anthem. Apparently deciding that the original tune of "O Canada" was a tad bland, our heroine created an entirely new, original melody for the number. Kind of an "O Canada '99," if you will.

In its rapture for her talent, the Mariners taped the offending version, but inexplicably did not use the video internally as a reminder to improve their hiring practices. In fact, the next time the Blue Jays were in town the team used the recording, affording them an excellent opportunity to embarrass an entire country all over again.

The horror. The horror.

Why do people feel compelled to use our national honor to prove their bankability as musicians? Actually, that's kind of obvious, so more importantly, why do teams allow it? Simple. Because MLB has 2430 anthems a year to do in the regular season alone, and every team can't get Billy Joel, or even a decent barbershop quartet, every night.

Knowing the issues, there's a simple solution to the whole dilemma: Perform "The Star Spangled Banner" only on special occasions. Give us the best the entertainment business has to offer on Opening Day, then not until the All-Star Game, then not again until the playoffs. I'll accept the inclusion of national holidays as well.

Perhaps the song could occasionally be swapped with "America the Beautiful." Or better yet, "God Bless America," the song that impressed me so much when Kate Smith sang it during the 1974 Stanley Cup finals that I almost didn't want the Bruins to stomp the Flyers so badly anymore. (Hell, I was a young kid living in Canada and I still felt patriotic.)

This solution keeps our national anthem special, and assures that only the cream of artists will be allowed to perform. And that, my friends, honors our country infinitely more than having bad musicians mangle a patriotic number on a daily basis.

Michael Cox once suggested "Louie, Louie" replace "The Star Spangled Banner" as this nation's anthem, but the White House returned his letter unopened. Suggest anything by Parliament instead at mc@strikethree.com.

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