Baseballhead:
Eastern Exposure

Michael Cox

Looky here! It's your old friend Baseballhead, who like you firmly believes that even KISS can't make the little Pepsi girl any less annoying.

Well, it's time to move on from the fact that "Blame Canada" was screwed for the Best Song Oscar and give the East divisions the once-over. As opposed to my Central division predictions, if silence equals consent, everyone seemed to agree with last week's Rank of the Westies (ooh, who's been watching the Elton John Behind the Music, then?).

But that's not to say the notes haven't been pouring in. It's just that they seem to be more concerned with this week's ruminations than arguing about the Left coast. For example, Sandy seems to think the season is already all over but the shouting:

There are two only possible downsides to the Yankees:

• they may only play well enough to win the division - dull to watch;
• they start their season far later than most teams - October.

Could be a difficult regular season ad campaign:
Come out to the stadium and catch all the excitement of Yankees summer training.

That would've been a great laugh, except for the likelihood that most of New York actually believes it. But just to show she isn't a blind homer, Sandy tossed in this promotion idea for Yankee Stadium.

Maybe Steinbrenner Will Do Something Stupid Day;

Yes, the Pinstripe Pals likely will advance to the postseason again. However, remember the Law of Diminishing Returns; remember that they knew better than to stand pat after 1998, adding no less than Roger Clemens; remember that...er, I'll think of something.

The fact is that even a declining Yankee team will likely be the best team in the AL. Just don't rub it in the faces of the good people of Minneapolis, mmm-kay?

Free caffeinated beverages and No-Doz day - for the Minnesota series;

Oops. Too late.

Meanwhile, over in Hated Rival Land, the Red Sox have apparently decided to screw youth. Going with the aging Gary "Hey, Is That a Cliff?" Gaetti over Marty Cordova, and leaving back a (perhaps justifiably) angry Michael Coleman, the Sox appear to be standing still at a time when it's probably the worst thing they can do.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot -- they picked up Jeff Fassero. Remember when that would've been a good thing?

Free urine sample day - fans requesting a free glass of urine will be trucked to Boston.

Not so fast -- the Sox may need that for putting out the fires started by their non-Pedro rotation.

The Red Sox will be looking over their shoulder for the Blue Jays, who have stuck with their young lineup, more or less, and several players will be hitting their stride. Raul Mondesi is likely to fill Shawn Green's shoes at SkyDome better than the reverse will happen at Dodger Stadium. Brad Fullmer is likely to be a better DH than David Segui, although that isn't saying much.

Where the Jays may decline is their rotation, which is missing Pat Hentgen, and that's a lot. Nevertheless, they're likely to remain ahead of the Orioles, who apparently decided their woes last year were caused solely by the existence of Ray Miller. In fact, the little run the Birds put on in the second half may be as good as it gets for a while.

Charles Johnson is the only regular under 33 years of age this season, and ironically, he may be the worst hitter of them all. Calvin Pickering won't see the light of day until Cal Ripken finally succumbs to a career-ending injury. Don't even ask about the rotation, where it seems Mike Mussina has been promised that he'll be the ace for life. In the end, though, Angelos seems to believe people would rather pay to see old players decline.

Admit it -- you got sucked in last year when Peter Angelos finally uttered the words "younger players" and "rebuilding." Psyche.

The same theory seems to hold in Tampa, except at least the O's have the excuse that they signed most of their players in their prime. The Rays seem to believe that more home runs will repair their attendance woes, but may find that Greg Vaughn will fall back to earth, and that Vinny Castilla did so well because he played in Coors Field.

So the AL East shakes out about the same way it has for the last couple of years:

1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Blue Jays
4. Orioles
5. Devil Rays

Now, let us move on to another land frozen in time. A land where the same damn team wins every year, but can't seem to get all the way to a championship.

Forget the Bills. The Braves are now the sole yardstick by which postseason flailing will heretofore be measured. And they'll do it again this year. Once again following their successful formula of replacing a couple of parts at a time, they could likely last as long as Wrigley Field, but see about as many World Championships. But you tell me what they need, because I can't figure it out either.

The rotation should hold together without John Smoltz, the bullpen should hold together with John Rocker, and the lineup is now minus Otis Nixon and plus Andres Galarraga. Age may cause a decline, but it should be enough to win in this division.

Unfortunately, the Mets suffered their biggest defeat of 1999 when John Olerud left town for his Seattle home. Deciding that third basemen and first basemen were interchangeable, they signed Todd Zeile and moved him from third, where he is actually one of the upperclassmen, to first, where the same stats make him an also-ran.

The Met rotation will certainly improve with Mike Hampton, but he's gonna miss the production behind him. It will also be fun to have to Bobby Joneses in the rotation. However, the critical move was the one missed -- last year would have been a prime time to trade Rey Ordonez while he managed to post non-sub-Mendoza numbers.

The Expos look to be rebounding after their sale to Jeffrey Loria -- for the first time, they haven't sold off their best players. However, the 'Spos are as young as the O's are old, and it may be a few years before they manage to put everything together. Still, those who correctly remember the early-90s Montreal teams as damn fine squads should start to experience some deja vu.

Unfortunately, they'll be experiencing deja vu of a different kind in Philly and Miami, as both teams will largely suck. I actually have a little respect for Marlins owner John Henry, who hasn't just opened the wallet and let fly. This can only mean that he has spoken to his baseball people, and the baseball people have a plan. Henry will cover the losses until the young talent can catch fire, and then he'll spring for a few veteran additions. That will likely come after the new ballpark is approved.

They're still uncertain what they're doing in Philly, however, and bringing in Mike Jackson was probably not the most judicious use of their limited funds. Add a couple of Schillingless months (maybe more, when the Phils are far out of the chase in July) and stir. Expect booing.

1. Braves
2. Mets
3. Expos
4. Marlins
5. Phillies

Michael Cox has a dream that one day, every ballpark will come fully equipped with a petting zoo full of friendly animals for the children, such as sheep, pigs and cows. Suggest that a pen full of live angry ferrets might be a bit more amusing at mc@strikethree.com.

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