Magic 8-Ball NLysisAfter the Magic 8-Ball decided that the Mariners will be the AL's representative in the fall classic, I'm sure you're just dying to see what it has to say about the senior circuit. Once again, I turned to the virtual Magic 8-Ball located at:The process I followed was exactly the same as for the AL. I asked the ball whether each of the teams would win their division. Any ambiguous positive answers resulted in an 8-Ball playoff between the teams that seemed to have a chance.Over in the East, the first round of results looked like this:

New York Mets	Without a doubt.
Atlanta Braves	Get a life! You should already know the answer to that!
Montreal Expos	Without a doubt.
Philadelphia Phillies	Cannot decide now. Please ask again later.
Florida Marlins	You've got to be kidding!

It seems like the oracle was having an off day here, except for the Marlins, where it was, of course, right on the money. It was tough to figure out the rest, so I gave it another try.

New York Mets	Well, OK - If you say so.
Atlanta Braves	Have another drink and perhaps the answer will come to you naturally.
Montreal Expos	My sources say it is not in the cards.
Philadelphia Phillies	I refuse to answer the question on grounds that it may incriminate you.

Based on this, I think I can safely eliminate the Expos (phew!) and Phillies, leaving the Mets and Braves in a tough battle of attrition (sound familiar?) One more round resulted in:

New York Mets	It is undeniably so.
Atlanta Braves	Have another drink and perhaps the answer will come to you naturally.

Which I'm giving to the Mets. Obviously, the 8-Ball had heard about John Smoltz going down for the count.Over in the Central division, life is a little tougher to figure out. I really wasn't sure how the ball would do. Here's the first go around:

Chicago Cubs	Shouldn't you be asking your analyst about that?
Pittsburgh Pirates	I'm not sure. Let me get back to you on that one.
Milwaukee Brewers	I'm not sure. Let me get back to you on that one.
St. Louis Cardinals	Get a life! You should already know the answer to that!
Houston Astros	I don't think so.
Cincinnati Reds	You can't be serious?

Well, the Cubs answer is right on the money. In fact, that response also came up for the Red Sox, so the 8-Ball homed right in on the two most cursed clubs in baseball. Just another thing that makes you go hmmmm... So the Cards and Astros are out of it, and the 8-Ball totally nails the Reds' lack of pitching, which leaves the battle for the Central between the Brewers and Pirates. Now, who would have thought that? The final battle came down to this:

Pittsburgh Pirates	Definitely not.
Milwaukee Brewers	It is undeniably so.

So the Brewers make the playoffs. Wow.Out West, the 8-Ball had this to say:

San Francisco Giants	You've got to be kidding!
San Diego Padres	Definitely not.
Arizona Diamondbacks	Have another drink and perhaps the answer will come to you naturally.
Colorado Rockies	Definitely not.
Los Angeles Dodgers	Yes.

Which seems to be a pretty strong vote in favor of the Dodgers. The 8-Ball sees right through the Padres, Rockies and Giants. Also, it obviously doesn't expect the Arizona offense to repeat, leaving the Dodgers as the clear cut winners.Given the tough battle in the East, I'm assuming the Braves win the wild card in the NL, resulting in the Mets, Braves, Brewers and Dodgers as the playoff-bound NL teams.I asked the 8-Ball if each of the playoff teams would win in the first round and received the following answers:

Braves	I'm not sure. Please focus on your question and ask again.
Mets	Yes.
Brewers	I refuse to answer the question on grounds that it may incriminate you.
Dodgers	I've been overworked lately and I'm tired. Please ask again later.

So the Mets are in, the Brewers are out, and the Dodgers and Braves appear to be deadlocked. Further clarification revealed the following:

Braves	Definitely.
Dodgers	Shouldn't you be asking your analyst about that?

So the Braves and the Mets fight for the NL title. Is there an echo in here?Simple question -- "Will the Braves beat the Mets in the NL Championship series?"First answer: "I'm not sure. Please focus on your question and ask again." Obviously, it's going to be another tough series, so I asked again, with the following reply: "It is undeniably so."So the Braves win the NL pennant and move on to face the AL champion Mariners in the World Series.And so, the final question is, "Will the Braves beat the Mariners in the 2000 World Series?"To which the answer is, "You've got to be kidding!" Now, this can be interpreted either way. It could be, "With all their pitching talent, how can you even question that the Braves will pound the Mariners to a pulp?" Or it could be, "With John Smoltz out, how can the enfeebled Braves rotation stand up to the mighty Mariner offense?" So to be sure, I checked one more time and got the answer: "Definitely not."And so there you have it. The mighty Mariners are destined to win it all in 2000. The mighty magic 8-Ball has spoken. And, no, really, I didn't staple, fold or spindle any of this at all.

about the author

Don't laugh -- Dave Paisley recently decided to have a preventative appendectomy after reading the contents of a fortune cookie. Let him know he will be an inspiration to friends at drdjp@strikethree.com.

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