Baseballhead:
The Spirit of Radio

Michael Cox

Well, bust my britches! It's another edition of Baseballhead, where we wonder whatever happened to Rue McLanahan.

The single best moment of spring training is not the date that pitchers and catchers first report. Neither is it the first feel-good news article declaring that some career benchwarmer has a legitimate shot at a starting position, nor the first acupuncture needle inserted into David Cone.

It's the first live radio game broadcast of the year. The announcers are rusty, sure, and often they forget who's out there on the field, but you try keeping straight the names of guys like Ryan Radmanovich and Johan Santana, when they're in the game for only one inning then quickly replaced by a Brandon Inge or Kyle Snyder.

The point is that you can hear the crowd and the bat on the ball, and hear for the first time that, barring some Capricorn One-like conspiracy, there is in fact baseball going on. And in the spring, with the more laid-back nature of exhibition games, there's more opportunity for announcers to digress than during the regular season. Eating habits of the larger players, bizarre bets between teammates; it all becomes fodder on a level not attained by the read-from-the-media-guide "his nickname is 'Wookie'" "anecdotes" of the keepers games.

For example, today about fifteen minutes of game time was consumed by a detailed description of the astounding popularity of Peoria's new Krispy Kremes outlet. Apparently, the snowbirds like their donuts. Add to this the fact that the better broadcasters tend to be over the age of 50, and it's like having a surrogate grandfather.

Of course, that might not be such a good thing when they begin reaching the age of an Ernie Harwell.

But thankful for the games I am, because the lack of actual interesting things happening in Major League Baseball this spring is making me think a career in accounting would be more exciting.

Item: Ted Williams visited the Dodgers' training camp this week, then quickly left after Mark Grudzielanek wouldn't stop rubbing up against him "for luck"...

Item: John Rocker returned to camp this past week. He said he's sorry. His teammates believed him. Even Randall Simon. Of course, the press won't let it end here, because this whole mess sells ads, but for now we can file it under Water Under the Bridge, at least until the Braves hit Shea.

Note to Commissioner Selig: In order to begin penalizing someone for speaking his mind (even though that mind might be best left unspoken) with a ten-week suspension and $20K fine, you must first establish a precedent with longer suspensions and fines for players who actually commit physical harm. The arbitrator's decision to slash Rocker's penalty was not, er, arbitrary as some would have us believe; it was made to bring the punishment in line with the penalties MLB has imposed on players who have actually injured people.

In short, Rocker's was not an offense warranting an unprecedented punishment, seeing as it is something not even considered a crime in the "real world." Change the precedent by giving out longer punishments when players attack fans or sucker punch someone in a brawl, and maybe you can try again the next time a player comes out and says he doubts most teams lose money.

As a side note, Expos owner Jeffrey Loria laughed at the media rumors that the 'Spos would make a deal for Rocker, which is too bad because the Quebecois are about the only group Rocker hasn't said anything bad about.

Item: Pedro Astacio, who will face no suspension or fine because his crime was simply assaulting his pregnant wife, is nevertheless facing the cruel reality that there are people who do care that he declared his guilt in a court of law. Facing deportation because his lawyers failed to take note that although the local authorities limited their penalty to a stern tongue-lashing, assault is a deportable offense (d'oh!), Astacio wants to withdraw his plea.

Of course, this means that if a judge were to believe his argument that he isn't guilty but just wanted to say he was, the matter would then go to trial. And if it goes to trial and Astacio is found guilty, he would then likely be punished as you or I would. And knowing that Commish Bud seems to think spousal abuse much more acceptable than negative articles in SI, a civil punishment befitting the crime is the best we can hope for.

Item: Tony Phillips, who has been treated like a leper since being caught with a crack pipe in his hand two years ago, signed with the independent minor-league Valley Vipers on Saturday. It's always a shame to see such a precipitous fall from grace, but keep in mind that Phillips could have avoided these travails if he'd only been a Yankee when he was caught.

Item: The Pirates managed to beat Manatee Community College last Thursday, 5-2. Look for the Twins to begin challenging local high schools...

See that guy over there, the one challenging his co-workers to a game of Trivial Pursuit? That's none other than Michael Cox. Suggest that he might be better off taking on the cast of Boy Meets World at mc@strikethree.com.

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