Baseballhead:
Conspiracy of Mirth

Michael Cox

I'm here, you're here, and I guess that means it's time for another edition of Baseballhead, where we apparently get more hits than some sites who advertised during the Super Bowl. And I thought we were in trouble.

Anyway, as baseball fans we don't wait for the swallows to return to Capistrano as the first sign of spring -- it's here as soon as Sammy Sosa reports to camp. Which means it'll be a while yet. But isn't it great when you believe spring has started before Punxatawny Phil even hits "snooze" for the first time?

It's a good thing that spring training is here, because this has got to have been one of the leanest winters, news-wise, that I can remember. No blockbuster deals, no top-tier free agents -- so little of substance happened that John Rocker was the biggest story of the off-season. Think about it.

In fact, for the first time in ages, the off-season rumors have been better than anything that actually transpired. Just the permutations of possible Griffey swaps, leaked by "reliable insiders," was enough to keep the New York Daily News in readers for months. And apparently the "legitimate" sports press was never informed of the sad tale of Pierre Salinger, suckered as they were by internet rumors that those of us actually out here in the world of pixels just laughed at.

I even offered the website in question some free press if they would only own up to the hoax, but not realizing the fleeting nature of fame, they refused. So they went back to the relative anonymity from whence they came, without even venture capital to show for it.

It all just seems too perfect, like someone important was behind it all...

(Scene: Poolside, at a small tropical resort in the Bahamas in October. The World Series plays on a TV nearby. MLB general managers STEVE PHILLIPS [Mets], JIM BEATTIE [Expos], GORD ASH [Blue Jays], KEVIN MALONE [Dodgers], BOB GEBHARD [Rockies], and JOHN HART [Indians] are sunning themselves and blinding passers-by.)

PHILLIPS: (Sipping a rum drink) God, I'm bored. The Yankees and Braves again.

BEATTIE: I know what you mean. (Glancing at the TV) Hmmm...wonder if we can get that Irabu guy for cheap.

PHILLIPS: You don't want him. His arm's going south.

BEATTIE: Nah. I think he'll be healthy for at least another few years.

(Phone rings)

BEATTIE: It's for you, Bob.

(GEBHARD answers the phone)

GEBHARD: Yeah? Uh-huh? Aww, come on! We're just one more home run hitter and fifth starter away from a championship! You can't fire me! (Slams phone down, runs off.)

HART: I guess they could.

(Everyone laughs)

(PAT GILLICK [Mariners] walks in)

GILLICK: Hey, guys!

OTHERS: Hey, Pat!

GILLICK: I just heard from Seattle! I'm back, baby! Anyone want Griffey?

(All laugh)

PHILLIPS: He'll never accept a deal from anyone but Cincy...but I tell you what...

GILLICK: I'm all ears.

ASH: I'm just glad you weren't listening when Joe Carter said he wanted to spend the rest of his career in Toronto.

PHILLIPS: Shh. So Pat, I don't expect much to happen this winter, so...how's about we make a few deals up?

GILLICK: We couldn't.

HART: Sure! We've been doing that for years -- and just for Curt Schilling!

PHILLIPS: Steinbrenner has kept the New York City newspapers alive by feeding 'em rumors!

GILLICK: Okay...like what?

PHILLIPS: How about Piazza for Junior?

GILLICK: They'll never believe that -- remember, I'm following Woody Woodward here.

PHILLIPS: Okay, okay. How about, say, Yoshii, and a couple of other young players...

BEATTIE: But you have to throw in someone else, someone so only the smart people realize it's a monumental joke. Like...Rey Ordonez!

GILLICK: (Chuckling) Yeah! Yeah!

PHILLIPS: But I like Rey Ordonez.

(Pouts for a moment, then breaks up giggling)

PHILLIPS: You gotta admit, I almost had you there!

HART: And maybe Malone can do something, too! Like trading someone to Toronto...

ASH: I'd go along with that. Hey -- that Mondesi guy. How about him?

MALONE: Okay, and for him I could get...er, who have you got?

ASH: Dunno. Lemme look at the roster...er, Shawn Green?

MALONE: Okay, but to make it silly, I have to pretend I'm going to pay him a Barry Bonds-type salary.

PHILLIPS: (whispers to GILLICK) Watch this. (To MALONE) Hey, Kevin! It'd be even funnier if you really did it!

MALONE: Okay!

PHILLIPS: (whispers to GILLICK) I told ya -- like a friggin' rock.

BEATTIE: And the piece de resistance: an internet rumor. Something ultradeluxe.

GILLICK: They'll never believe an internet rumor!

BEATTIE: That's why you'll have to leak it yourself.

GILLICK: Okay, but this had got to be good.

BEATTIE: It will. But two-thirds of it has to be believable. So... Griffey to the Reds...

PHILLIPS: ...via Kansas City!

GILLICK: Kansas City?!

ALL: Get a rope!

(Everyone falls back onto their lounge chairs laughing. ASH passes out.)

PHILLIPS: Sometimes I crack myself up.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Because he's such a huuuuge football fan, we need to you remind Michael Cox which one of those three is a baseball team when you write to mc@strikethree.com.

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