Baseballhead:
In the Nudes, er, News

Michael Cox

You'll be happy to know that today's Baseballhead will not include any commentary whatsoever regarding the "Teams Who Couldn't Give a Rat's Ass About Which City They're In" edition of the Super Bowl, except for that one right there.

The strange thing about S**** B*** week was the apparent desire of Major League Baseball to step aside and allow the spotlight to shine solely on their major competition for your sports dollar. After the Yankees gave Pettitte his three-year deal, with the exception of a fair-value one-year contract for Andruw Jones, there was nada.

In fact, on Sunday not a single news item came down the wire to divert the attention of the honest, football-hating baseball fan, leaving us to fend for ourselves. I don't want to get into my personal NFL avoidance tactics, but suffice it to say that the Cinnabon corporate coffers are one large roll with cream cheese icing richer. Thank you so very much, Bud Selig.

However, that's not to say it hasn't been an unexpectedly entertaining week. Without the hard copy of big player contracts or momentous swaps, or even someone claiming to know what's in John Rocker's heart (Selig waited until Monday to make the formal announcement that he's officially fining and suspending Rocker, please print that on the front page and stop bothering the poor Commish), the news wires were apparently co-opted by a week-long MLB full moon.

To wit:

Turk Wendell Stranded in Woods. The wacky Mets reliever had been hunting mountain lions with a guide (not a very good one, in my opinion) in the foothills of the Rockies when they became lost. They were found the next morning by search-and-rescue personnel, none the worse for wear. Wendell must have inadvertently eaten the map when he went through his post-kill licorice mouth-stuffing ritual.

As a side note, more than one reader sought to correct our headline, "Mountain lions 1, Wendell 0," letting us know that he managed to shoot one of the beasties dead. Unfortunately, we were referring to the psychic victory, as we do not count any points scored against wildlife that are not earned through noble hand-to-paw combat. Pit Ted Nugent against a nine-point buck with the Nuge's only accessory his loincloth, and I'd pay $29.95 for pay-per-view.

Mets Sign Garth Brooks. With his 1999 Spring of Random Flailing in the books, there are no columnists silly enough to wonder aloud whether Brooks might actually make the cut. Now that everyone concerned knows it's a publicity stunt (albeit one for charity), we have only to wonder who will benefit more: the Mets, from having Brooks take them to fan-friendliness school as he did the Pads last year, or Brooks, from helping his fans forget about Chris Gaines.

We can only hope he targets the Dodgers next year. Maybe there he'll make the cut.

Former Big-Leaguer Elliott Maddox charged with Insurance Fraud. Ever see those "shocking" sweeps-month local news "exposés" where they show videotape of guys working out, doing heavy lifting and dancing the lambada (still the forbidden dance), all while said gentlemen are collecting insurance/worker's compensation? According to state officials in Florida, Maddox is one of those guys. While claiming that a leg injury was too severe for him to perform his duties as a family counselor, he allegedly has been running baseball camps. And when I say "running," I mean "running."

And if the name sounds familiar, it's probably because as a Yankee, Maddox sued New York City for $12M after he allegedly tripped over a sprinkler head in Shea Stadium. Hmmmm...

Mets Raise Ticket Prices. Funny how they snuck that one in all sudden-like, no?

School Superintendent Lectures Mariners Over Snowball Fight. On a tour of schools to spread the usual message of, "say no to drugs, stay in school, buy Mariners officially licensed merchandise," a few of the M's players fell afoul of school authorities by having a playful snowball fight with some local kids. Unfortunately, the M's didn't know that this is behavior normally punished similarly to brandishing brass knuckles in the hallway.

"We do everything we can to let people know this is not acceptable," said Wenatchee school superintendent John Gordon. "We tell kids it's not OK, then they model that it is, and that it's fun."

Oh, that "negative role model" tag once again. Expect a swift rebuke by the Commish. And later this year, the Wenatchee school district will begin their ban of chocolate bars, running local TV ads asking, "Ewww! You'd eat chocolate?"

Dick Williams Lets It All Hang Out. Former manager of the A's, Red Sox and Mariners (fans in the latter two cities still bear the resulting grudges), Williams allegedly startled a woman in a nearby building when he walked "outside his hotel room" in the buff. (Where "outside" -- his balcony? A rooftop garden? The hotel's courtyard restaurant? You'd think the police would use a more precise term, that's all.)

And as if that wasn't enough, the woman allegedly (hi, lawyers!) also discovered, to her dismay, that Williams is not the master of his domain, so to speak. Williams was duly arrested, and he later pleaded "no contest" to the charges of indecent exposure and was sentenced to time served. (Time served? Has Williams completely run out of cash? What was bail -- a hundred grand?)

Now, the actual offense occurred on January 17, but apparently the authorities thought they'd hold off until S**** B*** week to let the world know. Very polite of them. Only one question remains -- will this hurt Williams' chances at the Hall of Fame?

And I for one refuse to end with any Pee-Wee Herman or George Michael jokes. A guy's gotta have principles.

about the author

Michael Cox is master of his domain, thank you very much, even though in his case he thinks his domain consists of his apartment and car. Offer to lend him your Seinfield video collection to clear up the confusion at mc@strikethree.com.